


Collage//Jaspar One Shots

by SophiexHorayne



Category: Jaspar-Fandom, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: A LOT of Angst, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Caspar Lee - Freeform, Fluff, I say angst with a happy ending but no.3 isn't, Joe Sugg - Freeform, M/M, Short Stories, jaspar, one shots, some strong language, the second one is really long tbh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-07
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-09-09 06:12:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 30,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8878993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SophiexHorayne/pseuds/SophiexHorayne
Summary: Many Joe and Caspar cute and angsty one shots.





	1. Joe is definitely not in love with Caspar

Joe had noticed. Of course he'd noticed. The way Caspar looks at him, for longer than a friend would, with his crystal blue eyes softening like the lulling of waves as they look at Joe. Yes of course Joe had noticed. And he hates it.

He can't stand the way Caspar smiles at him, because Joe knows he smiles at no one else that way and he knows it's especially for Joe and it's wrong. So wrong.

He's felt the way Caspar touches him too; like he would break if he weren't soft enough. Yet at the same time, the touches burn Joe's skin and leave him tingling for hours, and Joe really hates that.

Joe also knows that Caspar wants to kiss him. His eyes, those beautiful, calm eyes, wearing that beautifully soft expression, watch Joe's lips and sometimes Joe can see Caspar moving ever so closer and he can suddenly feel Caspar's breath and perhaps he hates that most of all.

Because Joe knows. Joe knows that Caspar is in love with him. Who wouldn't know? And Joe hates the way it makes him feel and he hates that Caspar should love him like that. Because it shouldn't ever happen that way; they are friends and nothing more and Caspar shouldn't be in love with him.

And Joe shouldn't be in love with Caspar either.

Which is why he is not.

 

Joe had hoped, when they moved out, Caspar would stop looking at him in that way and would give that beautiful smile to someone else; someone who deserves it. And he was so, so hoping, that Caspar would stop falling in love with him if they moved away.

Nonetheless, Joe is sure it made everything worse.

 

Caspar cries. Joe knows he does even though Caspar will never admit it. But he knows, because Caspar will text him in the early hours of the morning and Joe knows that before, Caspar would go into his room, and cuddle him and Joe would feel small tear drops on his shoulder as Caspar would cry silently. Joe never says anything though. But he knows Caspar cries and he is sure moving out has only made it worse.

He's right too.

Joe crashes at Caspar's one night. And he says he'll sleep in the spare room, and he will, he will not sleep with Caspar because he is not in love with Caspar and Caspar should not be in love with him either. Although Joe cannot sleep in the spare room. And when he finally does, he hears sobs from the other side of the wall.

And, regardless of being in love (or not so in this case), Joe feels his heart ache and he's climbing into Caspar's bed and pulling him close and suddenly, for the first time in probably forever, Caspar is the little spoon and he shakes in Joe's arms until he's cried himself to sleep.

And Joe doesn't kiss his neck once, and he definitely doesn't mutter 'I love you's against the blonde's skin to try and calm him down.

And if he did whisper that, well it would be a lie anyway.

 

They never speak of what had happened, and Joe knows Caspar would never want to talk about it so of course, he doesn't ask. But Joe decides that, even if he isn't in love with Caspar (which he isn't and the thought shouldn't even cross his mind), he knows they will not sleep in separate beds anymore when they stay over with one another.

 

The decision, as Joe knew as he made it, was a bad one. Because Caspar ends up sleeping at Joe's a lot. And he'd even turn up in random times of the night and maybe Caspar's the reason Joe's sleeping pattern is so wrong but he can't blame him.

The trouble is, Joe likes to sleep beside Caspar as much as he knows Caspar does. But Joe isn't in love with Caspar like Caspar is in love with Joe. Joe knows that. But he smiles as the blonde holds him close. And he relaxes in his arms and he isn't sure how he ever slept without Caspar.

Caspar's arms are warm and soft and safe and Joe likes the feeling he gets as he lies in the blonde's arms and he likes falling asleep feeling Caspar's breath on his neck. He likes it a lot but that doesn't mean he's in love with Caspar. He knows Caspar likes it too, and he's cried less recently and instead he presses his head against Joe's shoulder and Joe is sure Caspar has kissed his skin there on occasion but he'd rather not think of the way it left sparks on his skin and the way the touch felt like a pleasurable burn.

Josh walks in on them that one morning in Caspar's flat. And Joe is leaning his back against Caspar's chest and their legs are intertwined and their arms are linked in a tangle of limbs and Joe's hair tickles Caspar's chin.

Josh does not wake them on purpose, no, he'd almost have liked to have taken in the scene a little longer, maybe taken a picture because he couldn't deny they looked adorable. But he's too shocked to think of it.

"What the fuck?" He can't help but say it as he looks at them, and yes, it looks like they're naked too and Josh cannot believe he's seeing this with his own eyes.

But his exclamation makes Joe wake with a start and he shuffles away from Caspar fast enough to wake up the blonde also.

"Joe, where are you going?" He asks, hand reaching over, pulling Joe back.

"Josh is here." Joe says stiffly, getting out of the bed (and Josh is relieved to know that Joe is wearing boxers after all), "It's not what it looks like." Joe says, and he hates the fact that he has to say that, that it does look like they're lovers but they're not. They're friends and that is all.

"I didn't say it looked like anything." Josh answers but even Joe notices him cast Caspar a side glance, a 'we'll have to talk about this later' kind of glance and Joe feels somewhat guilty.

Joe shoves on a t-shirt (which happened to be Caspar's but he didn't care at that moment, he just wanted to slip into a void of nothingness and escape this situation). "Good." He says to Josh, "I'm going to have breakfast." He slips out the room and isn't sure why his hands are shaking as much as they are.

Josh leaves later, something about a video with Mikey, Joe isn't sure and he wasn't really listening. Caspar's kept his distance, while Josh had been there, and Joe knows that that is a good thing but he still hoped that Caspar would put an arm around him or press their thighs together. But no, he leaves so much space and the lack of contact makes Joe a little cold.

So when Josh is gone, Joe lies across the sofa, head in Caspar's lap.

"Hi."

Caspar smiles down at him with that look again and Joe feels guilty all of a sudden. Like this is only leading Caspar on.

"Hi." Caspar answers and combs his fingers through Joe's hair. And Joe can't deny it feels nice, and he can't really deny the fact he'll only let Caspar touch his hair like this.

"You okay?" Joe asks, smiling up at Caspar.

"Y-yeah." Caspar says, "I'm sorry about this morning."

Joe shakes his head, "It's okay. But, maybe we shouldn't." Because the whole point of moving out was to avoid this, Caspar, yet it hasn't worked and we shouldn't do this and you should not be in love with me because I'm not in love with you.

Caspar nods though, as if he does agree, "You're right. We shouldn't, but, we still can, right?"

Joe should say no, he knows that. They can't do things like this, things that friends do not do. But instead he's nodding, "Yeah we still can." And then he's taking in that beautiful look and perfect smile Caspar gives him and only him, and he can't help but feel special thinking that only he'll ever see that look.

 

They're habit soon becomes a problem though, when Joe visits Bath or Zoe in Brighton, or Caspar goes to LA for the Laid In America premier and neither of them can sleep. And Joe can't help but call Caspar in the late hours of the night and whisper to him through the phone as though someone may hear him if he were to speak louder.

"H-hey." Joe whispers as Caspar answers his phone on particularly lonely, cold night.

"Hi, Joe." Caspar's breath is a little heavy.

"You okay? You sound out of breath." Joe says, putting the phone on speaker and lying it on his pillow beside him.

"Y-yeah. Yeah I'm fine, I just, I ran to the bathroom to answer your call."

"Oh. Is it a bad time? Sorry I can-"

"No. No it's okay, but I have an interview to get ready for soon. But it's fine. Isn't it late where you are?"

"Yeah. It's about 1am but I, I couldn't sleep." Without you.

"Oh." Caspar falls silent for a moment, "I, I can't sleep out here either."

Joe sighs. They shouldn't have this conversation. Friends shouldn't have this kind of conversation, "I miss you, Caspar. I wish I was in LA with you. I wish-"

"I miss you too Joe." Caspar cuts him off, "I erm, I need to go, I'm sorry. I would stay talking until you sleep but I have to go Joe."

Joe says nothing for a minute, the thought of Caspar leaving hurting him maybe far more than it should. He closes his eyes and breathes out, "Okay." He says finally, "Okay. Have a good day, Caspar." And Joe can hear Caspar's smile through the phone line.

"Thank you Joe. Goodnight, sleep tight. I'll be back soon, I promise."

"Bye." Joe says.

"Bye Joe. I'll call tonight maybe."

"Kay."

"Bye Joe."

"Bye."

And when Caspar finally hangs up, Joe cannot help but cry a little himself, because he should not be this alone and cold and useless without Caspar next to him and it's all so, so wrong. Friends don't miss each other this badly and friends don't miss falling asleep in one another's arms.

 

When Caspar is finally back, Caspar doesn't even go to his flat, first, but he's around Joe's. Joe thinks it's ridiculous, that Caspar is this desperate to see him, that he won't go to his own home first, but Caspar's arms are warm and soft and safe just like before and he wants to hug him forever. And he does not suggest to Caspar, that he should go back to his own house to sleep that night when they clamber into Joe's bed, already lying close. They wear t-shirts for it's getting colder now in England.

"Night Joe." Caspar says quietly, arm around Joe and leg over his, and Joe has never felt safer.

"Goodnight Caspar." Joe answers, but Joe knows Caspar won't sleep, because jet lag is never fun with Caspar and Joe knows that.

"Joe?" Caspar is whispering some time later that night and Joe smiles to himself and turns around in Caspar's arms to face him.

"Yeah?" Joe asks tiredly, his eyes adjusting to the lack of light to make out Caspar's face and lips and eyes.

Caspar's hand glides up Joe's arm and is gently cupping his jaw, "I missed you so much."

And Joe knows they mustn't and he knows he has to tell Caspar to stop but he can barely say anything. He nods in reply to Caspar and looks at him. And even in the light Joe can see, as clear as day, the expression casting over the blonde's features, and Joe wishes he is tired of it.

"Joe."

Joe still cannot reply but he watches as a tear falls from Caspar's eye and he wipes it away with his thumb, "Hey, it's okay, Caspar."

Caspar sniffs and shakes his head against the pillow, "I'm sorry." He says.

And Joe wonders if Caspar knows that Joe knows he's in love with him. It makes his heart skip because that would mean Caspar would know Joe did not feel the same, and for some reason, Joe did not want Caspar to know that.

"Hey, hey, hey." Joe watches more tears roll down his cheeks and pulls Caspar's head to rest on his shoulder, "It's okay, Caspar, it's all okay, I promise."

Caspar shakes his head 'no' and his hand clutches Joe's shirt (which may actually have also been Caspar's but Joe took it years ago as winter night wear), "I'm sorry Joe."

And Joe isn't sure why but he wants to cry too because seeing Caspar cry is possibly the worst sight and Joe wants to never have to see it again. "There's nothing to be sorry for honey."

Joe knows Caspar likes the nickname, and he smiles as Caspar stops shaking, loosening his grip on Joe's top.

"Night Joe." Caspar says finally, suddenly tired now.

"Goodnight honey." Joe doesn't want to say it but it slips off his tongue like the nature of the word itself.

 

Evidently, Caspar did not get much sleep the previous night, and he's terribly jetlagged the next day.

"Caspar, come on. You haven't even got your suitcases to your house yet. You have to get up." Joe complains, but Caspar holds him close and grumbles,

"I can just stay here longer though. "Caspar says, combing his fingers through Joe's hair. Joe would usually hate people touching his hair but with Caspar it's different and Joe's leaning into the touch.

Everything is different with Caspar and Joe knows it is so, so terribly wrong.

"Caspar." Joe sighs and looks up at him from the blonde's chest, "Caspar you mustn't. We have to learn to sleep in our own beds in our own houses."

"But not right now, I'm too tired Joe."

Joe sighs, "What if I made you hot chocolate?"

"I'd stay at your house every night, so I can get more in the morning."

The thought makes Joe's heart skip a beat but he shakes his head, "No, Caspar." And Joe faces Caspar, searches his face and finds that look hidden behind his eyes again and it astounds him, "We have to stop this."

Caspar wants to say no, Joe can tell. Caspar so desperately wants to tell Joe how badly he wants to wake up with him in his arms every morning; and kiss his lips; and tell him how much he loves him; Joe knows that. And he's almost disappointed when Caspar just nods. "I know. We must and we will. But last night was different. We hadn't seen each other in forever. But you're right we must stop now." Joe can see how it pains Caspar to say it, but he does not argue, he agrees.

Though the agreement will undoubtedly not last long at all.

 

It doesn't. Because, God, some may even think Joe was the one in love as he finds himself at Caspar's house close to midnight.

Caspar's wiping his eyes when he lets Joe in and Joe knows he's been crying again. And it's probably all his fault.

"What's wrong Joe?" But Caspar knows what, of course he knows.

"I don't- I changed my mind." Joe says, "It's okay right?"

Caspar smiles through tired, loveable eyes and Joe knows Caspar wants to kiss him, "It's fine Joe."

And as they fall asleep in an entanglement of limbs and skin against skin, Joe knows he's only making everything so much worse.

 

Joe blames Jack, for tipping them over the edge. Truth or dare is too childish; Joe knows. But they're all drunk, him, Caspar, Oli, Mikey, Jack, Conor and Josh as they laugh about the floor in Josh, Mikey and the Maynards' flat. Joe chooses dare, of course he does.

But in retrospect, he shouldn't have.

Jack smiles at Joe, and the way he leans against Caspar's arm. "I dare you to kiss Caspar." Jack says. Childish, ridiculous Jack.

Caspar blushes as he looks at Joe. And that look, that most definitely all their friends had noticed, has never looked so obvious, and bright and beautiful; so beautiful, Joe thinks, that he wouldn't even mind kissing Caspar.

Between the blurs and the spinning of his mind Joe can hear the others laughing. They don't think they'd do it. Somehow, Joe can't help but notice that Josh isn't laughing, and he remembers that he'd seen them in bed together, and how he is Caspar's best friend.

Joe and Caspar look at one another, and Joe looks at his lips which are soft and pink and they look so perfectly kissable. And Caspar's hand is cupping Joe's jaw like it belongs there and the touch is so delicate yet firm and Joe wants to know how Caspar possibly does that. And how he makes such a touch feel like the spark of a fire.

They watch each other for a long time, foreheads together, before they kiss. And eyes watch eyes and breath lands against lips, warm and tasting of alcohol. And when their lips touch Joe is certain time pauses for a moment because all he can remember is the feel of Caspar's lips on his and the way they moved against his so slowly and uncertainly and it makes Joe's heart flip.

Caspar's smiling when they slowly pull away, looking at Joe through bashful eyes, but he's smiling. Joe doesn't smile. He doesn't look at Caspar and his soft looks any longer than he needs to for the rest of the night.

Because Joe is not in love with Caspar. Caspar is Joe's friend. And friends do not kiss, and they most certainly do not enjoy said kiss.

And Joe doesn't sleep in the same bed as Caspar that night and instead lies awake and listens to Caspar's sobs through the wall. But he does nothing.

 

"Joe?" Caspar asks eventually as he sees Joe alone for the first time in maybe over a week, it's been too long and he's lost count. Joe looks up at him but does not say anything, so Caspar walks over to him. "Are you mad at me?"

"What? No, of course not." Joe replies, going over to the window because Caspar is too close and he shouldn't be.

"Really? You haven't even spoken to me since-"

"I'm not mad." Joe cuts him off, "We're fine."

"We're not though, are we." Caspar says, stepping closer to Joe. "Joe, I know we kissed but it was a dare and it doesn't mean anything."  
"Caspar." Joe sighs and looks at him, at the glisten of his eyes and the way his lips are open slightly. "I know."

"Well, w-well then we can just move on right-"  
"No, I mean I know Caspar."

Caspar frowns then and steps a little away from Joe, "Know what?"

Joe doesn't want to say, he doesn't want Caspar to know he knows, but this has to stop because Caspar cannot be in love with him forever. But then words are tumbling out of Joe's mouth before he knows what they are.

"The kiss didn't mean nothing to you Caspar. God, I'm not blind."

"Joe I-"

"No, Caspar. I know. And surely everyone knows, do you even try to hide it? Do you?"

"I don't know what you mean Joe-"  
"Oh, stop. Caspar stop. I know, okay? I've seen it, in your eyes when you look at me, fuck, Caspar you look at me like I'm all the stars in the sky and you smile at me in a way you never would to anyone else. And Caspar, you touch no one the way you touch me, okay? Give it up. I know you're in love with me."

When Joe finishes, he sees that Caspar is suddenly crying, eyes on Joe, but they don't radiate light anymore but grey clouds and sorrow.

"I'm sorry."

Joe should have said it's okay. He should have hugged Caspar and held him tightly like he does at night when he cries. He does not do that.

"You should be." He says stiffly, eyes icy as he looks at Caspar. "You should be sorry, Caspar. You shouldn't look at me the way you do, you shouldn't smile at me like that. And you should not touch me like you do. Caspar you mustn't love me. And, hell, we shouldn't cuddle in bed and I know you cry, and I know I'm usually the reason and Caspar, Jesus Christ, I should not mean that much to you."  
"I know." Caspar says weakly.

"Yet you still let yourself fall. You still let yourself do all these things and it's ruined us both Caspar. Everything, it's all ruined and it's your fault. It's disgusting. The way you touch me, the way you look at me, and at my lips. It's so wrong it disgusts me." Joe watches Caspar cry, and he feels bad and his heart is heavy as he watches as Caspar's bleeds.

Then they kiss, suddenly, and Joe likes to think Caspar kisses him first, with force and tongue but he knows that he pulled Caspar down. But Caspar pushes him away.

"You just said-"

"Yes." Joe says, wiping his lips, "That's what we cannot do Caspar. Look what you've done to me, to us, to yourself." Joe walks towards the door to leave but turns back, "I'm not in love with you Caspar, and you must not be in love with me anymore either."

Then he walks out, leaving Caspar and his heart bleeding.

 

Caspar isn't the only one who cries that night. Joe cries too. And he screams and cries and sobs into his pillow and he doesn't understand why. He doesn't know why his heart hurts so much, and why he just wants to run back to Caspar and kiss him and hold him and lie in his arms every night. And god, it's cold, and terribly lonely in his own bed so he keeps crying.

The clock turns to 2am. And 2am become 3, and then 3am is becoming 4 and Joe has not slept at all. He looks at the ceiling but it's dark and he sees nothing. And his vision is blurring because he can't stop crying.

He falls asleep at 7am, and wakes up to his phone.

Caspar?

His sits up and looks down at his phone.

Jack.

He casts a glance at the time too, 11:30am. Sighing, Joe looks away from the phone. He thinks of Caspar, and his eyes, calm and crystal blue. And he thinks of Caspar's smile, and his lips and the way they tasted against his own. He remembers the way Caspar touches him, so gently, and the way he wraps Joe in his arms, and how safe he felt and how it felt like home.

Suddenly Joe wants that back.

 

After a shower, he calls Jack back, forces a smile which almost strains the ache of his heart.

"Hey mate what's up?" Joe says.

"Not much? You?"

"I'm good, yeah." But Joe cannot smile as he says it.

"Have you seen Caspar today? I know you usually stay over with him-"  
"I haven't seen him. I went home from his last night."

"Oh." Jack says and the air in Joe's house stills as Jack pauses for a moment, "Oh, do you know where he is?"

"N-no. No why?"

"He wasn't home, or at least he didn't answer the door. Or my messages." Jack says, "I just thought he may be at yours, cause I know you guys are always- what do you guys even do? Why did you even move out?"

Joe closes his eyes tight, then sighs, "We just, did. It doesn't matter. I'm sure Caspar's fine, just asleep." We moved out because we were too close and we shouldn't have been. And god, Jack I was so used to him next to me I thought it should have stopped. But it didn't stop anyway and I messed everything up. We moved out, Jack, because he was so in love with me and it wasn't right but I made everything worse. And Caspar, probably isn't fine, he probably cried all night like I did. He's probably still sleeping, or too upset to answer the door.

The truth is Jack, Caspar is not fine, and I'm not fine but you don't need to know.

"Okay. He probably is sleeping." Jack chuckles, "Cheers Joe."

"You're welcome buddy."

 

Hours alone become days. And the days become a week and Joe has not spoken to anyone. He cries, like Caspar would, and he screams and sobs and curls up on his bed, eyes squeezed shut and his hands gripped to his duvet. He barely eats, and he only does because eventually his stomach burns and hurts too much for him to take.

After a week and at least ten miscalls from each of his family and friends, he finally answers Oli's call as he lies on his bed, in the dark.

"H-hi."

"Joe, finally. Are you okay? It's been a week-"  
"I'm fine." But his voice is hoarse and dry and he thinks he should drink something maybe.

"What's happened? You know, Caspar won't speak to anyone except Josh either I wondered if you-"

"Is he alright?" Joe asks but he knows Caspar probably isn't. And he knows he hurt Caspar more than anyone ever deserves.

"I-I don't know Joe." Oli said. "But what about you?"

"I'm fine. I've just been a bit ill and-"  
"Joe." Oli's voice is stern and there's a sigh in his voice that it makes Joe's chest tighten, "Don't lie to me. If you were ill you'd have told someone. What has happened mate?"

"N-nothing."

"Did you and Caspar argue?" Oli asks, "I've never seen either of you ever argue and it's the only thing that would make sense."

"Yes. No. I don't know Oli." Joe rolls over onto his back and looks up at the ceiling in the darkness of his room.

"Has something happened between you? This is unlike both of you. You can fix this. What you and Caspar have is not worth whatever this is all about."

But Oli does not understand and Joe thinks he could never understand. "Nothing's happened to us Oli. Maybe we just both caught the same bug or something." And even though Oli is gullible and it sounds totally reasonable, Joe thinks he won't believe it this time.

"Joe please tell me. Shall I come over?"

And Joe thinks he would like to see Oli, maybe. And he would like to tell someone and he would like someone to hold him when he cries instead of only his bed sheets for comfort.

"N-no. There's nothing wrong." Only his voice breaks a little and it's so clearly a lie.

"Joe, there is something. And I've been wondering it for sometime and I don't want you to panic but, I've been really thinking about it lately."

And already Joe feels a little sick like he knows what Oli will say.

"Joe are you, are you in love with Caspar?"

Silence.

And Joe's heart throbs and Oli's words feel like lightening striking his body, and for some reason he wants to cry.

"Joe?"

"H-huh?"

"Are you in love with Caspar?"

Joe closes his eyes tight, because tears sting in the corners and there's a lump in his throat.

"N-no. Oli don't be stupid." But the whole world blurs at the edges and Joe is not sure anymore and his voice wavers through the phone line and he only hopes Oli will mistake it for bad signal. "Oli we are- We are friends. We would never be-"

"It's okay Joe. It's okay to love him."

But it isn't and he doesn't love Caspar. He doesn't. He doesn't. Caspar loves him and it is so terribly wrong and it is not okay and it could ruin everything.

Maybe it already has.

"Actually, Oli." Joe says finally as his heart settles only a little, "C-could you come over?"

There's a pause and a shuffling sound on Oli's end of the phone line. "Yeah. Yeah Joe I'm coming."

And when Joe hangs up he doesn't cry. He looks at the ceiling, breathes slowly. And he wonders why Oli would think it is he in love with Caspar and not the other way round.

Oli is there within ten minutes, knocking at the door heavily so Joe hears. When the door opens, Joe cries now. And Oli lets himself in and pulls the shorter boy into his chest.

"It's okay buddy. It's okay."

And Joe remembers how he'd do this for Caspar some nights and his heart hurts more.

"Let's sit down."

Oli leads him through the house and sits beside him on the sofa.

"I-I'm a terrible person Oli." Joe says, looking forward and not at his oh so loyal friend.

"Tell me what happened Joe. Whatever it is, is okay."

But Joe knows it is not and he cannot say it. He shakes his head and buries his face into his knees.

"Joe, Joe it's alright."

But it's not, it's not and Oli doesn't understand.

"I know it's frightening but it's alright. You don't need to worry or feel ashamed."

Joe shakes his head and looks up, "But it isn't. I'm not-"

"Joe." Oli rests a hand on his shoulder and Joe turns his body into Oli's arms.

"I've hurt him Oli. I've really, really hurt him."

"Oh Joe." Oli sighs and they fall silent for some time.

"What are you so afraid of?"

Joe shrugs even though he knows. That people will notice how Caspar looks at him like he's everything and the only thing. And they will laugh and tell them both how disgusting they are.

"Because everyone seems to know except you." Oli continues.

"What do you mean?"

"Joe. You, you look at Caspar sometimes, like you're drowning in him."

And Joe thinks perhaps that is true. Because he looks in Caspar's eyes and it is like he's drowning. Drowning in all that is Caspar, and his eyes, capturing oceans and soft like lulling waves. And Joe thinks he could bathe in Caspar's eyes and looks and warmth forever.

"And I think, sometimes, you look at his lips and I always think you're about to kiss."

Joe never means to look at Caspar's lips. But there are moments when Caspar leans into his side and his lips get suddenly very close to Joe's and Joe has to look at him then. And he can barely breathe every time. And there are other moments too, where Caspar looks at his lips, and moves closer, closer, and of course then Joe has to look at his lips too. And after that he always moves away.

"And you have a special smile, only for Caspar. I don't know, just, your eyes shine and your face glows. It really only looks like love, Joe."

Joe thinks that is not true, though. Because Caspar looks at him that way not the other way around. Only Caspar's smile and Caspar's laugh is surely enough for anyone to smile at. And Joe is only reflecting Caspar's light and Caspar's smile.

"Joe. I want you to know that you can answer honestly. And I want you to know that it is perfectly okay whatever the answer. So I'm going to ask you again."

Joe turns, and looks up at Oli with his stomach in knots.

"Are you in love with Caspar, Joe?"

Joe looks away from Oli then, and at the window as a tear falls down his face.

"It's alright to be scared."

But Joe isn't sure if that is true as he turns back to Oli, tears glistening in his eyes, "I-" He closes his eyes, only for a moment and then opens them again, "I don't know."

"Joe." Oli breathes out and pulls the smaller lad back into his arms, "That's okay."

"But it isn't. C-Caspar loves me, not, I'm not, that's not right." He says, "I'm not in love with Caspar. It's-" But it does seem to make sense, maybe. "I can't be in love with him I said-"

Joe sits up and wipes his eyes, "I told him that he was disgusting, for loving me I can't- Oli I broke him."

"Shit mate." Oli rests a hand on Joe's shoulder though, "I think you need to talk to him. It's been a week and people will start noticing. And your film comes out soon, you need to sort things out. It's all a bit of mess Joe, you need to fix it. The longer you leave it the worse it'll be."  
Joe knows Oli is right. And yet, and yet. "I know but, how can I possibly make this better?"  
"Caspar loves you." Oli says, "He'll forgive you."

And sadly, Joe thinks, yes, that's true. Caspar will forgive him and that is also so, so wrong.

"Okay."

 

The corridor outside Caspar's flat door is quiet and empty, besides the coy plant beside the elevator. Joe knocks on the door and the sound of his knuckles on his the wood echoes around the hallway. He waits sometime, until he hears shuffling behind the door and his heart is suddenly in knots.

But when the door opens, Josh is there.

"Oh." He says, "Can I see Caspar?"

Josh looks at him. Just looks; through harsh, dark eyes and Joe shifts uncomfortably under his gaze.

"I want to say no." Josh says, "But he told me he'll see you, so you better have something good to say. You don't deserve his heart." He adds bitterly.

Joe knows that and he's been trying to get that into Caspar's head for so long but he never understood.

"I'm here to fix things." Joe says, "Please."

Josh, reluctantly, stands backwards, opens the door wide enough for Joe to walk through. Caspar is on the sofa. He doesn't look up at Joe but remains staring at his lap.

Joe's heart tugs at his chest as he looks at the blonde. He clearly hasn't slept, and he looks so broken.

"Caspar."

For a moment, Caspar does not show that he'd heard him. But then he looks up at him, lips pursed in a straight line, bags under his eyes, his face pale. And Joe misses his smile. He walks closer, slowly, but soon he's standing by the sofa, looking down at Caspar while Caspar looks up at him.

"Can we talk?" And Joe hates the way he has to say it. Caspar nods once and looks at Josh, nodding for him to leave.

With one single glance back at Joe, Josh heads out side.

"You can sit." Caspar says stiffly, shuffling away to the edge of the sofa.

When Joe sits down, the space between them is strange and somehow cold. They sit in silence, and it creeps around them, chokes them mercilessly until Joe feels suffocated.

"Go on then, Joe." Caspar says, "You wanted to talk."

Joe glances at Caspar, at his big, now sad eyes and his heart flips with regret.

"I know but I-" Joe closes his eyes, breathes, then looks at Caspar again, "I know but I don't know what to say. There's nothing I can say to make this better. Sorry isn't good enough, an 'I take it back' isn't good enough Caspar. And Josh is right, I don't deserve your heart."

Caspar sighs, "I know." He says, "I know. And I've cried every night and everything hurts Joe but, I still-" Caspar pauses, "I'm sorry."

"Stop." Joe says suddenly, "You don't get to apologise. I've messed up so terribly and I-" There's a lump in his throat and he has to swallow it away. He shakes his head, "I'm so sorry. Caspar,"

He takes Caspar's hand, hesitantly, but Caspar doesn't flinch. No, he looks up at Joe, with those eyes, calm and crystal, ocean and sky and big and blueblueblue and Joe thinks he could drown in them every day.

"Tell me I can fix this Caspar." Joe turns himself around on the sofa, so he's facing the taller boy, "Please because I- I can't miss you anymore. I can't cry anymore, I can't wish you were next to me any longer because it's only wishing and it is never true and I can't think that anymore. I need you beside me again and I-"

"Joe." Caspar closes his eyes, and Joe has to stop looking at him only for a moment. Caspar pulls him closer, and Joe has to fall against him, suddenly in his lap with his head buried in Caspar's shirt and breathing in that scent that is oh so Caspar and he wonders why he could have pushed him away ever. "Oh, Joe."

"Caspar." He says, hands clutching at his shirt like a child and his breath on Caspar's neck.

Warm.

And then there is silence again, but it is not like the corridor outside: empty; and it is not like when Joe first walked in: suffocating; no. It's just warm, and sweet and everything beautiful. Everything right.

"I think I was wrong." Joe lifts his head, and Caspar is then very close to him and it makes his heart spin a little, only a little.

"Huh?"

"What I said, that I wasn't in love with you. I think that maybe I was wrong." Joe's chest is heavy as the words tumble off his lips quietly. And it is then him that looks at Caspar's mouth and him looking at Caspar with such a look.

"Yeah?" Caspar smiles only slightly. Joe nods,

"I mean, I'm kind of confused, but there is something so horrible about being away from you."

Caspar nods, "Okay." He brushes Joe's hair away from his face and smiles at him gently:

Smiles at him in that way he will not show to anyone else and Joe thinks he can stand this after all.


	2. THE QUIET

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We can't live together forever, Joe." 
> 
> You'd said. And I knew that but for some reason the reality of it made me want to cry. 
> 
> "I don't think we should stay here much longer."
> 
> And I knew, I knew it but I did not respond. I pretended I was asleep. I'm sorry. But I think you knew I was pretending anyway. You always know.
> 
> And the next morning you told me again, with a break in your voice and we both cried because we knew it was right yet I know it felt so wrong for some reason, but we never spoke of that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is long but I'm really proud of it

****Joe's P.O.V

 

It was often cold, in our old apartment. Especially in the winter and you know how London is. More often than not, I'd creep into your room, feet frozen against the floor and I'd pull at the sleeves on my jumper (which perhaps was once yours) to cover my hands and warm them slightly. I used to open your door so slowly incase you were asleep but you never were. It's like you were waiting for me. You'd smile at me, and it brightened the room despite the darkness of night and I would hear you shuffle backwards in your bed.

We'd never say anything, as I climbed in beside you, warm and safe as your arms wrapped around my waist. Sometime you kissed me, on the cheek or forehead and I never said anything about it, because- well I don't know.

Only our apartment was suddenly not so cold anymore, as you took me into your embrace. And I was warm in your hold and it didn't really feel like winter at all on those nights.

And maybe I miss that.

I remember, when we decided to move out. I was sat almost on your lap as we agreed; that it is the right thing and that it is a good thing. But we were crying, remember, and I don't know why. We promised we'd still see one another and we promised it will not change us, though surely that was the point.

I don't know though because we never said why. And there are questions, questions that we never dared ask and they were hung in the air around us as we held one another's hands and tried to tell ourselves that it was right.

But I still wonder why.

Why did we move out?

Why, if we were crying, did we still leave?

Did we cross a line?

Will this really not change us?

Questions, questions, questions and no answers and no explanations.

All I know is I am cold now, every night, and we are never alone together anymore and nothing is as it were before. Even though we said, we said-

Only I guess we do see each other every day. And we talk and we've done tours and live streams and to anyone looking we have not changed at all.

But.

It is not the same at all because someone is watching us all the time and we have not fallen asleep in each others arms for so long and it's so cold and so lonely and big in my house at night. And I miss your arms and I miss your voice and your kisses-

Kisses.

There weren't many, enough to count on your fingers but they were still there.

I remember the first time: on that balcony in South Africa, New Year's eve (through to the day). It was dark and cold but your breath, like a cloud, washed over my cheek and I felt warm. It had only been us, leaning against each other as everyone else fell about drunkenly inside. We could hear the countdown but did not bother to partake.

We were not drunk, as such, perhaps a little tipsy from a glass or two but I remember it clearly. I remember the stars that sparkled above us, the only witnesses as our lips touched. And I remember the moon, a spotlight shining on us as though we were on a stage in an empty theatre. And I remember your lips; clumsy but careful, soft against my own and tasting a little of alcohol.

And I remember the look in your eyes when we pulled away, breathless. I could see the reflection of the moon in your eyes and they shone. I haven't seen that shine in so long now.

There were other kisses too, like when we were drunk after our first movie premiere and we kissed in your bed, wrapped in the duvet and the bed sheets, hot and heavy and greedy.

The third kiss was different: Our movie night. We'd alway have them, every Friday you remember that, right? But this time was different. We were cuddled together under a blanket but you pulled me into your lap. And when we kissed your lips tasted of pizza and your touch left sparks boiling in my bloodstream.

Again, we shared a new years kiss, in South Africa again and I saw the shine of your eyes and the glow of the moonlight on your face. And maybe I loved you a little then.

Maybe.

Only when we got home, after a week of me sleeping in your bed and never in my own did you tell me we should move out. I remember, we were in your bed, at night when you first mentioned it. Your words grazing my skin.

"We can't live together forever, Joe."

You'd said. And I knew that but for some reason the reality of it made me want to cry.

"I don't think we should stay here much longer."

And I knew, I knew it but I did not respond. I pretended I was asleep. I'm sorry. But I think you knew I was pretending anyway. You always know.

And the next morning you told me again, with a break in your voice and we both cried because we knew it was right yet I know it felt so wrong for some reason, but we never spoke of that.

And now there's a distance between us, a distance so suffocating and loud and sinister it makes me feel dizzy and alone. Now Josh is always round your apartment too, does he ever leave?

I think of our last kiss, the day we left the flat. When you pushed me against the door, kissing me roughly, desperately and it felt like you didn't want to stop.

"This is right Joe. You know this is what is supposed to happen, that when we move out things will be as they should be."

You muttered against my neck and then you kissed away the pain the words left and I pulled you closer. And I think we were crying as our lips touched again, messy and effortless. You pulled away then, and your eyes glinted like the oceans in winter; icy cold, and you looked kind of mad.

"We better go."

But I remember your voice was choked with tears as you stepped away from me and grabbed your bag.

And things were different after that.

We don't talk, not really. You say hello when we meet up with the lads and everything almost feels okay in front of a camera. But you answer my messages late, when they used to be instant. You haven't invited me round unless someone else is there too. And you're always busy if I ask you to come over.

And I wonder if you hate me.

One night though, as I was lying awake in bed in the early hours of the morning someone knocked on my door. It was you.

You said nothing to me, you didn't even smile but I let you in. And, wordless, you climbed into my bed beside me, and pulled me close; and it was almost like you missed me. Only the next morning you were gone, and I wasn't sure if I was just dreaming until I saw your pink jumper left on the floor by the bed.

I wore your jumper that day, and the next day and the next one too and I didn't leave my house even though it is cold and lonely and the quietness in every room suffocates me.

I'm not sure how many days it had been before you turned up at my house again, bags under your eyes and you kissed me when I opened the door. Only the kiss was quick and over before I knew it and you were walking inside. I think I cried that night when you held me because whatever we're doing has never been right, has it Caspar?

/

You didn't sit next to me at the restaurant with the others. You sat as far away as you could and you didn't even look at me, even if I was talking.

/

You didn't reply on the group chat when I invited everyone over, and you read the text I sent you individually but you didn't reply. And when all the other boys came over you were not there and I cried all night when they'd all left.

/

Last Saturday you came over to my house again. You told me we shouldn't do a third movie together, first, and then you kissed me; pushed me against the door, kissed me until neither of us could breathe. And we fell asleep together but your arms weren't as comfortable as they used to be and you were gone by the time I woke up.

/\

"That's my jumper."

You say stiffly as I arrive at the restaurant Oli requested we all have breakfast in this morning. I say nothing, and sit down beside Jack, and I don't look at anyone.

"Joe."

Hot and like fire on your tongue my name somehow stings me. I snap my eyes up and look over at where you sit across the table from me, I have to strain my neck a little to see you.

"Sorry?"

"That's my jumper."

Everyone is looking at me, then at you, and I feel sick suddenly. I shrug.

"So?" I pull at the pink fabric anxiously, but I don't look away from you, "You never seemed to notice it was missing before now."

"You could have said." You say stiffly.

"What would be the point? You never answer my messages anymore."

Anymore. Remember when the replies were instant, and our conversations were constant?

You look at me with cold, sharp eyes and now I really feel sick.

"Maybe I would if you had something interesting to say."

I think I might be sick now. Jack puts a hand on my shoulder and Josh looks at you in confusion. Mikey speaks.

"Guys, what's going on?" He asks, looking between us both with some kind of concern in his eyes.

I look at you for an answer but you aren't looking at me anymore, but back at the menu. I'm not hungry though.

"Well clearly Caspar doesn't want me here. I'm not hungry anyway." I push off Jack's hand, and stand from the table, looking down at you and my stomach burns with something. Hunger, anger, I don't know. "Sorry." I say and I walk away, the wind clawing at my eyes as I leave the restaurant. For some reason I feel like crying.

/

You're at the door again, and I'm wearing your jumper still but it's warm and it still smells like you,

"Josh wanted me to apologise." You say stiffly as you stand in the doorway.

"It's 2am, Caspar." I reply and I want to be mad but my words appear gentle and soft.

"I know." You say after a few moments, "But I-"

"What you don't want anyone to see you come over?"

"No, Joe. I always miss you at night." You don't look at me though, "Whatever, I can go."

"No. No don't, Caspar please."

"But it's silly." You say, "What we do is silly I-"

"Yes but, Caspar stay." For some reason my voice cracks and it makes you change your mind suddenly.

"Okay." You step inside and I shut the door.

/

It's morning and you're still here, breathing slowly against my skin.

"Caspar." I turn in your arms to face you. Your eyes closed elegantly, lips parted a little. I kind of want to kiss you. "Caspar." I whisper softly, but you don't stir at all.

With a sigh I kiss your lips and you start awake.

"What are you doing?" You ask sleepily, voice deep and tired.

"I don't know I just thought-"

"We can't do this Joe." You say after a few moments, even though you look like you so want to kiss me again.

"Why?"

"You don't even like boys, Joe. Do you?"

I shake my head even though it somehow feels like I'm lying, "No but, friends can kiss sometimes."

Our lips touch again and you pull me closer, hand on my hip, but then you pull away, "No they can't. Not like this, surely you know that Joe."

And maybe I do but I lie to us both anyway, "They can."

But you won't let me kiss you again and instead you get up out of the bed.

"I should leave. Have you still got my jumper?"

Admittedly, I've probably ended up with about 5 of your jumpers since we moved in together but I don't say that, "Yeah, do you want it?"

You shrug, "I'll just get another, you can keep it."

And I wonder why you made such a fuss at the restaurant over it as you leave the house.

/

It's been weeks; weeks since we kissed; weeks since you stayed over; weeks since you let me keep your jumper.

I'm not sure when I last ate or spoke to anyone but I've filmed some impressions videos, somehow. You haven't come over in weeks either, and I miss you; but I'm not sure I should tell you that.

It's true though, I miss you so much. And my chest aches and screams at me and my stomach burns and some nights I've thrown up, through tears and a pounding headache; but I know I've barely eaten and all I do is bring up stomach acid.

The house is cold, and I probably stink but I'm not sure I've taken your jumper off once. The house is quiet, and I miss our old apartment, loud with you yelling at the tv or your laptop or at me for another prank. And the house is so empty, Caspar. There is none of your stuff in random rooms of the house and you aren't rushing around because you lost your phone charger.

God I miss you.

Oli calls me, as I lie on the bed thinking I should probably at least shower. I look at the screen at the ridiculous photo of Oli I have saved under his contact and I nearly don't answer. But for some reason I do.

"Joe." He sighs in relief and I close my eyes.

"Hey man." But I can barely bring light into my voice.

"Hey man? Mate you haven't spoken to anyone in weeks and that's what you say? How are you?"

I shrug but I know he can't see that, "I'm fine, just had a stomach bug."

"Why didn't you tell anyone? You ignored your sister, your parents. Joe there's something else."

For a moment I say nothing but I think of you, and the distance between us, and the confusion, and the silence.

"I don't like it here." I admit eventually.

"Where? Where are you Joe?"

"My house." I say, "But I hate it."

Nothing is a home without you.

"Why? Do you- oh, do you miss Caspar?"

Your name feels like being stabbed in the chest, and having the knife twisted. "Y-yeah. Nothing's the same anymore."

"Joe, Joe I'm going to come over, okay? Will you let me in?"

"Y-yeah, yeah I will." I say, even though I know he has been before in the past few weeks and I haven't let him in, that I saw his face on the camera, and anyone else that came and it was never you, Caspar, so I never let them in.

Oli arrives in about ten minutes and when I open the door he looks shocked.

"What?"

"Mate, you look terrible." He closes the door, "When did you last eat?"

"I-I don't know but I told you, I've been sick." I insist, but standing this long has already made me feel dizzy and weak.

"Shit, Joe." Oli puts an arm around me and leads me to the sofa. "You need to eat." But when he looks there is nothing in the cupboards, or the fridge. "Joe, why- what else has happened?"

I close my eyes tight, "Nothing Oli it's fine."

"Joe." I feel Oli sit next to me, and concern is laced in his voice. "Please talk to me. If not call your sister, or your parents-"

"No! No, I don't want them to worry."

"Please talk to me." Oli says, "Is it about Caspar?"

And yes, yes of course it has been about you, everything has been about you, since the day we first kissed under a thousand stars it's been about you and only you.

I nod, as if words would fail me, "It's all different now. Does he hate me?"

Oli pauses, and I glance over at him,

"He wouldn't hate you. Did something happen, between you? Did you like, sleep together-"

"Not-no, no."

"And you've never kissed him?" Oli presses and I feel sick again.

I want to say no but Oli wants to help and I miss you so much and someone has to know. I shrug.

"Oh Joe." Oli sighs and puts an arm around me. "When?"

Again I shrug, "The first was at South Africa, not this year, the year before. New Year's eve we-"

"The first-"

I wonder then if you've told anyone, if you're sitting there crying to Josh, or laughing at the mess you've made of me; of us.

"Yeah. There were a few."

I think of our cold apartment, and all the warm, peaceful nights I crept into your room and I cry.

"Oli, I think, I think I love him."

And I think Oli holds me until I cry myself to sleep.

/

I wake up in bed to the smell of food. My head pounds heavily and everything is fuzzy when I open my eyes. I remember yesterday, and how Oli held me and I remember him whispering that it would be okay even though I don't know how we could ever be okay because we never talk anymore.

And I think I would rather be stabbed, in the chest, than the feeling of it when I hear your name. And I think I'd rather be ill and weak and throwing up nothing but my own acids into the toilet than have you quiet, than to not have you beside me. I'd rather be beaten black and blue, than to swim in the silence we've created between ourselves.

"Joe."

Oli is at the door, "I made some food. You might not want it but I think you should eat."

And I know he is right but my stomach burns and groans. "Thanks Oli."

Somehow I get out of bed, and stumble to the kitchen where Oli has laid out bacon sandwiches and beans on a plate. I smile even though I don't want to eat it.

"I wasn't sure if you should eat that much so don't eat it all if you can't Joe, but please try."

I nod and sit down, looking at the food for sometime. I wonder if you're laughing at me, for being so pathetic, or if you would look at me right now with no expression in your voice, no words from your mouth, just, quiet.

For Oli's sake I eat a little, and he stays with me the rest of the day to make sure I keep it down. And with force, I do.

Oli says I should talk to you, but I'm not sure I'll get a response. And he says you haven't been yourself either but you seem fine to me.

I wish we never moved out. Because the apartment was cold, and the heating was crap, but you were there, warm and light, and full of every colour. The apartment was home; and now you've gone and it's gone and I've never felt so lost.

/

Somehow, Oli has persuaded me to be here. To be looking at your door, tall and angry in front of me. I want to be sick again. And I want to run. Eventually I knock on your door. You take a few moments to answer and when you do open the door you look angry, and all you wear are your pyjama bottoms.

"I'm busy, Joe."

I look in your eyes and they're glassy and mad. I've never seen them like that before. It doesn't take me long before I notice the hickeys on your neck, and how swollen your lips are and-

"Oh." Is all I say and I look at you.

"Are you leaving?" You pose it as a question but there's a harshness in your voice and I know it means I have to go.

I nod, and hear a girl's voice from inside call your name and oh.

"Sorry."

I turn and walk away and I almost hope you'll call me back and change your mind but all I hear is your door slam shut.

I get it. You don't love me anymore, if you ever did. I get it now. You left the apartment to leave me behind. I may as well be part of the furniture there; unused, dusty, neglected;

Alone.

You promised. Caspar you promised. You promised nothing would change and I believed you, I trusted you, and now, and now. Now I won't go with you to South Africa for New Year. And it won't be me you kiss as the countdown ends; it'll be someone else; a girl. And now you won't come to me when you're sad because there is someone else; someone better and you can tell them everything, and give them all the world and not me.

And I'll be here, walking away from you because there is nothing else left for me. I'll be here alone under a sheet of dust; unwanted and cold and empty. And I still don't know what I ever meant to you, Caspar. Did you ever love me? Was I just a relief? Did you ever want us to be roommates at all?

"Joe! Joe!"

It's Oli. I'm in my house, I don't remember getting here but I'm retching over the toilet and my mouth tastes awful.

"Joe I'm here, breathe, breathe mate." Oli's hand rubs my back and I inhale sharply. "Good, and out."

I follow his breathing and then sit up, away from the toilet.

"That's it." Oli says gently as my breathing becomes normal again. He stands up and fills a glass with the water from the sink before handing it to me. I take a sip, my vision becoming less blurry.

And then I remember you, and your eyes, frustrated and glassy and the tone in your voice and the sound of her too and I sob.

"Caspar, he-" I wipe my eyes and take in a shaky breath, "He was with a g-girl and he- he made me leave."

Oli smiles at me sympathetically, squeezes my shoulder, "I'm sorry, Joe."

"I really love him."

Yet you don't love me.

/

I know it's you, when there's a knock at my door at 1am and I almost don't answer. But for some reason I do. You say nothing, when I open it, you just look at me for a moment and then you kiss me.

I should pull away but I missed this so much and your touch is so warm.

"Caspar." I close the door and push you off me, "Don't."

"Joe." You try to take my hand but I move away. "Joe please."

"No. No Caspar you-"

"Just let me sleep here then, please."

I want to say no, or yell at you, ask you why but I don't.

"'Kay." I say and we fall asleep in each other's arms.

/

"YOU'RE HURTING HIM CASPAR!"

Are the words that wake me up, alone and cold.

"IT'S NOT MY FAULT FOR GOD'S SAKE."

"YES IT IS."

I scramble out the bed and into the lounge, watching as Oli throws a pillow at you.

"Stop!" I say, "Stop. I let Caspar sleep here, Oli, it's fine."

"Tell him Joe. Tell him what he's done to you."

I look at you, at the shame in your eyes and everything hurts again.

"Oli stop. Please. Why did you come here?"

Oli walks over to me, "Mate I wanted to see how you were and then I saw him in bed with you and-"

"I know. I know but-"

Your phone rings then, and we all stop as you fumble for your phone in your pocket. "Yeah, yeah I'm coming."

With a last glance towards me, you walk out the house.

I cry then, collapse into Oli's arms,

"I'm sorry." I whisper over and over.

"Joe, it's alright, I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at Caspar. He shouldn't have come over here-"

"But it means he doesn't hate me?" I look up at Oli.

"No he doesn't hate you." He agrees, "But he needs to work out what he's doing."

/

I'm at your house again. I shouldn't be, Oli doesn't even know I'm here but it's midnight, and I can't sleep and it's been weeks since you left my house and I can't bare to miss you any longer.

"Oh." You say when you open the door, "Oh, hey Joe."

"Can I, stay?" I ask quietly and then I've never felt as happy as now. You pull me into your arms, and I think I'm home again.

"Who was she?" I ask, a question that's been screaming through my head ever since I'd last been to your flat.

"Who?" You ask and bury your face into my hair.

"The girl, that was here when I-"

"Oh." You pull away and kiss my forehead, "Joe she was just, we weren't together or anything, I'm not-"

I nod, cutting you off because somehow the conversation hurts too much, "Can we go to bed?"

"Yeah."

You kiss me, as we lie down next to each other, and it's soft and warm and home, home, home and I think now I definitely love you.

"I love you Joe." You whisper against my lips.

"I love you too."

And I think everything may be better one day as I fall asleep tucked in your arms and chest.

/

"Morning Caspar." I say as I watch you wake up, eyes back to their warm blue like they used to be in our old apartment.

"Hi." You sit up, letting me slip from your arms.

"We don't have to get up yet." I say hand on your shoulder, "Please."

You look at me, smile softly, "Joe." You peck my lips and lie down again, looking at me with a soft expression I have not seen in so, so long.

"What are we doing Caspar?" I ask eventually, "You said nothing would change between us but-"

"I know." You say, "I know I've just been, an idiot."

"Everything's so quiet when you're not around. I wish we never moved out I wish-"

"Shh. It was right, Joe. Remember, we couldn't live together forever."

"I know Caspar." I feel like crying again, "But everything was better then."

"We can make this better." You promise suddenly and you take my hand, "We'll fix this, yeah?"

It's been awhile but I smile a little then, "Yeah."

/

The next time we meet up with the butter cream squad you sit next to me in the restaurant and you order my drink like you always used to and you offer to pay for my meal even though I say no; that it's really ridiculous.

And when we head home in the uber, and we get to your house, you pull me out the car with you, even though everyone looks confused. You tell them we're filming a collab but we don't. We kiss a little, and lie against each other watching a film, and eventually, when we fall into bed together in the early hours of the morning, I sleep soundly and happily, and that has not happened for ages.

/

"Joe I need to tell you something."

You look afraid, and you close your eyes a little, your breath passing my face. We sit on the sofa, so close and it reminds me of when you said we should move out and the nostalgia makes me feel dizzy.

"O-okay."

"I hooked up with that girl again."

I bite the inside of my mouth, anxiously, and taste metal and blood and broken trust.

"Oh." I say because I can't be mad because we are still only friends and it shouldn't matter to me at all. And you shouldn't have to look so ashamed either.

"I didn't want to hurt you but I- Whatever we're doing won't last forever, you know that."

But somehow I'm not sure how we could ever stop. How falling asleep in your arms won't always be the best feeling in the world. Nonetheless I choose not to argue.

"I-I know." Even though I do not know at all.

"I'm sorry." You say and you take my hand and suddenly it is that morning all over again, when you said we must move out, and I want to cry.

"But why can't we try to make it last?" I ask and my voice wavers and I hate it.

You look at me sadly, run a hand through my hair and your blue eyes shine and you look like you might cry too.

"Nothing lasts Joe."

But we're different. We have to be different. I shake my head desperately.

"But why can't we just see? Caspar we're in such a mess just-"

You say nothing but just shake your head, "I don't think you should stay here tonight Joe."

"Maybe not." I reply, but at home, in the cold, I cry all night.

/

Why don't we talk?

You still sit next to me when we meet up with the others and sometimes we stay over at each other's houses and we've kissed a couple times. But we barely mutter a word.

"Hey." I smile as you open the door and you smile back softly.

"Hey Joe." You let me in then close the door, then sit on the sofa.

"Caspar?" I begin, sitting next to you but there's a space between us and it doesn't feel right.

"Yeah?" You sigh softly and turn on the sofa to face me.

"Have you, you haven't, hooked up with that girl again, since you last said?" I look at you, your eyes like oceans as you shake your head.

"No." You say, "No you know I would tell you, right?"

But I really don't know that at all, Caspar. You kiss the side of my forehead and sigh against my skin.

"You know I would tell you." You whisper, kissing me again, "Best friends tell each other everything Joe."

Best friends.

I shake my head and turn to you.

"But we aren't, we're hardly best friends any more, and you never tell me anything any more." My voice breaks and I close my eyes, breathe.

"Yes we are." You kiss me again, your lips touching the corner of my eyes, "And I do tell you stuff Joe." You kiss my cheek.

"Not like before though." I insist, but I lean into your touches unwillingly, "Why can't it be the same?"

You stop kissing my skin and look at me in the eyes, "It's not supposed to be the same." You take my hand in your own as you speak, "We weren't meant to sleep in each other's beds anymore, we weren't meant to kiss anymore, Joe. That was the point."

I know. Somehow I know that even though, "But we said it would not change us."

Again, you sigh, and flip your leg over my lap so you're straddling my hips. Your hand brushes against my cheek and I close my eyes. "I know Joe. But it should have. It should have kept us apart it should have-" You pause, look at me so softly, your blue eyes full of an emotion that makes me want to cry, "It should have let us move on. Find someone else to be with because we can't."

I don't understand why but I say nothing, just run my hand across your cheek, shaking a little.

"You get that we can't, right Joe?" You ask, looking in my eyes and at my lips.

I nod, somehow, "Y-yeah I know." I drop my hand from your face and look away, feeling your lips on my jaw, soft and hesitant and warm.

Even though you said we can't. Even though you said we should move on. I turn my head, and face you, my eyes gleaming up at you, our faces so close. Then we kiss, sweetly and slowly, even though you said we can't. Hands run everywhere, against clothes and against skin and I sigh against your lips, pull you closer closer even though I know you said-

Eventually you pull away, eyes glassy and you rest your head on my shoulder, breathing heavily. Your fingers are wrapped in the fabric of my jumper, this time it is mine, and I wonder if you will ever let go, and it almost seems like you're crying.

"Caspar." I hold you tighter, and you shift against my lap then lift your head.

"I'm sorry." You say with a break in your voice and I just smile sadly, tangle my hand into your hair.

"Maybe I should go." I suggest, because I'm not sure what could happen if I stay any longer. But you shake your head.

"No. No please Joe, stay."

Even though I shouldn't, I nod.

/

I try to keep my distance from you as December rolls around. Because I don't know if everything will be okay between us in vlogs and I don't know if I can bare to think that we won't put our Christmas tree up together this year.

Instead I spend a lot of time with Oli, and Britt comes over and she asks how I've been, living alone, and then I cry into her shoulder. I'm so pathetic, aren't I Caspar?

It seems weird, when we meet at winter wonderland and you ask if I'm still coming to Africa for the new year. I tell you of course I am and somehow we get separated from the others; stuck in a crowd of bodies, hot and pressing against each other. And we kiss drunkenly, lost in a buzz of people, up close and heavy against one another's lips. Only I remember that Oli finds us, breaks us apart worried that someone will see. And he leads us back to the others even though we stay close for the rest of the night. And ssuddenly I never want to leave winter wonderland because everything seems okay here. When you get out the car at your house, Josh leaves with you, and you seem to know I'm jealous because you kiss my cheek, and sigh against my skin,

"Goodnight Joe."

And I smile but something, perhaps the feel of Mikey's gawking eyes, or all the alcohol swimming through my bloodstream, makes me feel sick to the stomach.

/

When I get to the house we're all staying in, in South Africa I find that we aren't sharing, we don't need to. Even though I wish we could because it's been over a month since I've fallen asleep in your arms and I miss it.

New year's eve is bright, and warm but there's a cool breeze outside. The stars are big and silver and sparkling and the crescent moon glares from it's place in the sky.

"I thought I'd find you up here."

The sound of your voice makes me jump and I turn and look at you from where I lean against the balcony.

"It's almost midnight, you want to come back down with the others?"

You've said that before, innocently and seriously. The first time we were here. And you didn't expect me to shrug my shoulders, and you didn't expect me to just look back over the balcony. But then I never expected you to pull me into your arms, and I never expected you to kiss me at all.

But now we expect nothing less as I shrug my shoulders, but I don't look back out over the balcony this time, I just watch you, and you walk closer, wrap me in your hold, strong and safe like home. I breathe in against your clothes and you smell of alcohol but I think I do too.

"One day we won't do this." You say quietly, your words drifting off in the breeze and I'm barely sure they were here at all.

I close my eyes, bury my face into your t shirt and say nothing. Because even though I think we could last if we tried, we will only drift further apart and the thought makes my heart clench.

"Okay, Joe? One day I'll take a girl out here and kiss her on the balcony and love her forever."

I know. I know that and it makes me want to cry more than anything.

"And you'll find someone too, you know that? And we can be friends and we will be each other's best man at our weddings and godfathers to one another's children and then everything will be right."

But somehow that doesn't feel right. I look up at you, and it's dark but I can still make out the blues of your eyes, like twilight, and your lips are so close that your breath tickles my skin.

"I-I don't-" I don't want that future.

Your thumb runs along my jaw line though and my words get trapped in my throat.

"I know." You say and now your lips skate over my skin, lightly, and your nose bumps against mine. "I know but you'll understand one day. And it will be okay."

But I think that maybe it won't.

"Don't cry."

I don't realise I was but you kiss the corner of my eyes free of tears and rest our foreheads together.

"Please Joe."

I'm crying more though, gripping the fabric of your t shirt as if it will make you stay.

"Sorry." I look down at the floor and our feet, tangled below us and so close. "Sorry I just,"

You kiss my forehead to get me to look back at you, and your eyes look full of water too, "I know. Just-" Pausing, you wipe a tear from my cheek, and then the corner of my eye, "I promise it will all be okay one day."

I nod and stumble back slightly, tugging you with me as the hand rail of the balcony steadies me. And I'm not sure if everything will be okay at all.

The countdown starts. They're all in the garden, the opposite side of the house to us but we hear them; screaming drunkenly and I'm surprised half of them can count backwards right now.

With a sigh you close your eyes and let our lips touch. And the countdown fades out and the stars disappear as my eyes close and then it's only us: like Romeo and Juliet even though there is no reason we should not be together.

The fireworks start as the countdown ends, loud and disruptive but we ignore them, sparks rippling through our body at every touch. And I never want this to be over and I never want us to end and I don't want you to replace me and I don't want to find anyone else.

"Caspar." I gasp against your lips and you arch into me, "I love you."

You pull away then, and the fireworks wail above us. You look at me, lips too close and then we kiss again.

"I love you too." And you kiss my cheek and my jaw and close your eyes tight, "I love you too Joe."

But I don't know what the words mean to you anymore and I feel myself wanting to cry again.

"Joe do you wanna, do you-" You look over to the door of the balcony, back inside, at the empty hallway.

I don't think about how this will pan out in the morning. And I don't think about everyone else, downstairs probably wondering where we are. And I don't think about how this may hurt me even more.

I don't think about anything as I nod, "Yeah. Yeah."

And we stumble somehow into your room and fall onto the bed and we kiss hot and heavy and greedy.

/

It's warm, when I wake up in your arms and I've missed this. Missed feeling warm and safe and missed the feeling of everything seeming right. The light hurts though, as I blink my eyes open and daylight engulfs the room and my head throbs and pulses.

I don't want to but I move out of your arms, looking at the way you breathe and the way your chest rises and falls and how your arm drops to the mattress as I slip out of the bed.

Somehow, I put on some boxers, and a t-shirt from the floor which I realise is yours and then I get out the room, walk slowly down the stairs, steadying myself against the handrail as my head spins.

And then I'm in the kitchen my hands fumbling over a box of tablets. Eventually I get one out, place it by the sink and fill a glass with water.

"Do you often sleep with him?"

I jump, and turn, seeing Josh leaning against the doorway, arms folded. His accent is particularly strong in the mornings, or perhaps because we're in Africa I'm not sure.

"What are you talking about?" I quickly put the pain killer in my mouth, swallow it down with a gulp of water.

"Caspar." Josh says, and he walks towards me, "You know what I'm talking about Joe."

But I feel sick and I shake my head, and it only spins and everything is blurred.

"I saw you."

I freeze, look up at him and then push myself up so I'm sitting on the kitchen counter.

"Saw us what?" Even though I think I do know.

"Not- you were just sleeping but-"

"We didn't-"

"Joe." Josh walks over to me, puts a hand on my shoulder, "Have you done it before?"

I look up at Josh, "Do what? We were only sleeping."

"Joe. Joe you have love bites on your neck." He whispers.

"Oh." I close my eyes for a moment, "But I promise this is only once and we've never done it before, we never-"

Even though we've come close and even though we have kissed before and we have held each other like that before we never, ever-

"And you've never kissed?"

But we have and I nod. "We're in such a mess but he doesn't want to-" I cry instead though, and let Josh hug me. "I wish everything was like before but I-" I pull away from Josh and get off the counter, "I love him, Josh."

Josh nods, "Caspar's just, he's just scared, that something will go wrong and he'll lose you."

I nod. "I'll take him some paracetamol." I take another pill from the packet and re fill my glass with water for you.

Josh nods and he watches me go.

  
You're still sleeping when I get back to your room, so I place the glass on your bedside table and lie back on the other side of the bed. And I wish I didn't love you, and I wish we weren't in this mess and I wish we never kissed that first night, years ago, on the balcony.  
  
You stir awake as I watch you, and you smile softly at me, "Hey Joe."

"I got you some paracetamol."

You glance behind you and at the glass and the pill I'd left for you.

"Thanks. Are you alright, cause you know-"

"Josh saw us."

My words silence you, "Oh."

"I mean he only saw us sleeping but he knows, Caspar he-"

You sigh, "We shouldn't have, last night should we?"

I shake my head, because no, maybe not, "He won't tell anyone though, and neither will Oli or-"

"Oli knows?!"

Oh.

"I told him ages ago. I mean, he doesn't know about this, just, just before."

"And who else?" You sound mad even though you're trying to stay calm, like you don't want to upset me.

"Britt. Only because we were putting the Christmas tree up and I missed when we would do it together and-"

You sigh, run your fingers over my neck where you had kissed me last night, "I know."

But you keep saying that and I'm not sure if you do know.

"We should get up." And you stop looking at me, and sit up, downing the pill and half the glass of water, sighing, "And I'd like my top, please."

Reluctantly I pull off your top and drop it on the bed, "See ya then." I say quietly, heading to the door.

"You don't need to leave yet." You say grabbing my wrist, "We can shower."

"Caspar, no we can't. You just said we can't." Even though showering with you sounds nice and the thought of you washing my body and pressing me against the cold tiles and kissing me as the water lashes down on us sounds appealing I know we really cannot.

"Joe." And we're suddenly close again and your hands are pulling me closer still and then we're kissing.

"Stop." I push you away even though my lips tingle from the touch, "Caspar, you can't say we can't and then do that it's not fair."

You look down at me with confused glossy eyes, "No, we can't be in love or be boyfriends but we can kiss, remember? Friends can kiss."

"But we had sex last night Caspar." And my heart is in my throat suddenly, "Friends don't do that."

You want to argue I can tell but you don't. You close your eyes, breathe and nod, "Okay. Okay. I'll see you later then." You step away from me and towards the bathroom.

"Caspar, wait."

But you say nothing as you close the bathroom door behind you.

/

"Joe what are you doing?"

Oli stands in my door way as I hurriedly pack clothes back into my suitcase.

"Leaving." I reply and I don't realise I'm crying until I speak.

"Joe the flight isn't until tomorrow. Did something happen?"

I look up at Oli, through wet, red ringed eyes,

"We had sex, last night." I say, then go pack to packing my bag,

Oli doesn't say anything, but he sits besides me and pulls me into a hug, and then I'm crying, dropping the trousers I was stuffing into my bag over my legs as I curl up into Oli's arms. And for sometime we sit there silently.

"You should talk to him." Oli says eventually and I sit up and wipe my eyes.

"I've tried but he never talks anymore." I move away from Oli and fold up the trousers I'd dropped.

"He does love you," Oli promises, "I'm sure he does."

I nod because I think you love me too. "But he's not in love with me." But I'm not even sure anymore.

"Joe, if you leave now, have you booked a flight, and when we get home too, you can't run from him."

I shrug, "I can go back to my Dad."

Oli looks at me sadly, like he pities me and I want to be sick again.

"Try and talk to him." Oli pleads, "You're both so strong together but I can't see you like this."

And I know that too because everything hurts when I'm not beside you.

"I'll try."

/

You're in the garden, lying in the grass with that silly little puppy, Popcorn, prancing around your lap. You throw a ball lazily across the lawn for it to chase as I sit beside you. You glance at me, look up at my face and my eyes then look away.

"Caspar." I say, and the little dog comes running back with the ball, panting excitedly. You chuck the ball again and I watch the puppy scamper off, "We need to talk."

"I don't want to talk Joe." You sit up and watch as the dog comes bounding back towards us. You pick up it's ball and walk away.

For a moment I stay, sat on the grass, watching you walk away and I don't think you love me at all. I stand though, not really on my own accord and I'm walking towards you,

"I'm leaving." I say when I reach you.

You stop, and look at me then and Popcorn looks up at you with her head to the side.

"Why?" You ask and I wonder if you have any mind at all,

"Because it hurts too much to be near you."

You close your eyes and breathe out, "Joe I-"

"Can we talk?" I repeat and reluctantly, you nod and you sit back down on the grass. I sit beside you and we bathe in silence and the restless hot sun for a few moments.

"I'm in love with you."

You look at me for a moment, with soft, knowing eyes then glance back towards the house.

"So if we can't, if we don't sort us out, then I'm not going to see you again Caspar."

But the air around us is hot and heavy with silence as you don't reply.

"Caspar. What, what do you want from me? I have to, I have to know, you owe me that much."

You look down at the grass, ruffle Popcorn's hair and I hate that you remain silent.

"Caspar. Tell me something."

A soft breeze breaks the air, and it streaks through your hair and your t-shirt and I sigh, my breath lost in the wind.

"Say anything. I don't care anymore."

And I don't. Because the silence in the air is strangling and hot and I can barely breathe and the air is thick with screaming silence and I hate it. I'd rather you shout, I'd rather you tell me you would never love me, and I'd rather you say you wished I had left when we moved out, than to leave this silence haunting our every move.

"She won't hook up with me anymore." You say eventually, but you still only look at the ground and at the dog, "I, I said your name once when we- and now she won't see me again."

"Oh." I say quietly.

"I'm scared." You say finally, looking up at me from the ground and your eyes are glassy, "I'm scared of losing you Joe. You can't leave."

"You won't lose me. I just have to know what you want from me because I can't be just your friend anymore. It won't work."

You're quiet again and for a moment I don't think you'll say anything else.

"I told you I loved you last night on the balcony." You say, "Didn't you believe me?"

"I wasn't sure if you meant it like that." I answer.

Silence again,

"So," I start and you look up at me, your eyes drowning me. "Why can't we try, a-at something, Caspar?"

You sigh, "What if it doesn't work? What if I lose you? What if everyone tears us apart? What if we don't make it?"

I sit closer to you, take your hands in mine and then I'm kneeling in front of your with Popcorn sniffing around my legs. I ignore him.

"Caspar you won't lose me. Not if we, I love you so much, Caspar. So much I won't let you leave me, not after everything." I take one of your hands in mine and press it to my cheek. "I've been in love with you for so long and we've been in this mess for three years do you really think it will ever end. Really?"

You don't say anything but a tear escapes your eye, and I kiss it from your cheek,

"We'll make it, Caspar."

Like lifting your head from water, you sigh deeply, and there's a smile breaking out in your lips and your eyes and it makes my heart beat.

"I love you Joe." You peck my lips so softly, "I love you, I love you."

I breathe out against your lips, shift a little closer as we kiss.

"Joe, Joe." You move away, "Joe I'm sorry."

But I'm smiling, really smiling, "It's okay."

"I'm in love with you. And you're right we can make it." Even though you still look worried. I kiss the worry from your lips and from your mind,

"We can Caspar."

You glance back over at the house, and I look too and see Josh leaning against the door frame, watching. Popcorn rushes over to him.

"Josh is a creep." I say quietly and drop my hands from your skin. You nod.

"So are we boyfriends now?" You ask, and as you grin your eyes crinkle at the edges and I can barely breathe.

"I guess so."

And I smile too and finally as we fall into a silence as the sun, ever merciless, beams down on us and the hot air becomes clammy, I do not mind anymore, and the quiet no longer hurts.


	3. Caspar's Wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caspar and Maddie are getting married, and yet Joe is still not over the feelings he has for his best friend.

"I'm truly happy for you mate." Joe smiles, as best he can, as they stand outside the wedding venue. He brushes off Caspar's shoulders but he cannot look at his face. He adjusts Caspar's tie, which he'd helped him put on a few hours ago.

"Thank you Joe." Caspar says, "It's your turn next you know. I think everyone has a girlfriend except you now."

Joe shrugs and his chest tightens. "Yeah."

Caspar's family arrives, in two cars, and the fact that they all treat Joe as part of their family makes him want to cry. He can't breathe.

"I'll be back in a minute, I need the loo."

He briskly strolls into the venue and into a door on the left. There is no one in the bathroom and Joe looks at himself in the mirror, breathes slowly. He looks sad and he isn't sure how Caspar can't notice how the colours of his eyes have faded, have been fading, and are now nearly grey. He looks smart in his suit; Caspar had picked it out and Joe had picked out Caspar's despite insisting Josh should have gone instead.

His hair looks nice and of course it has to today because it is Caspar's day of course he must look nice.

Once he thought this would be his day too.

Once he though that when Caspar had told him he loved him, he meant it the same way Joe had, when he said it back. He had though it would be his day too when Caspar would hold him at night and run his fingers through his hair gently and like no one else can. He thought this would be his day until Caspar moved out, until he told him with the widest smile on his face that he had a girlfriend.

And so, of course this is only Caspar's day. Caspar's, and Maddie's.

The bathroom door opens. It's Oli.

"Hey Joe. Caspar said you were here." Oli says. He doesn't have to say anything else because he's already holding Joe so tightly that the smaller boy cannot even breathe. "You're so strong Joe, and this day will fly in a blur and it will be over before you know it okay?"

Joe nods and pulls away from Oli and he glances in the mirror again, there are tears in his eyes and his shirt is creased now. He takes a deep breath and blinks away the tears from his eyes even though it makes him want to cry even more. He forces his mouth into a smile because apparently that is meant to make everything feel better.

"I'm here for you Joe, if it's too hard-"

"No." Joe says but his voice is shaky, "No I have to be- to be here- for Caspar."

Oli nods and rests a comforting hand on Joe's shoulder, "Okay, Joe."

When they leave the bathroom, everyone is bustling into the main area of the house and of course Caspar spots Joe immediately.

"Are you okay? Took a while." Caspar says but relaxes when Joe nods.

"I'm fine." Joe reassures but he can't look at Caspar's face at all.

"We're going in. Maddie's here now."

Joe nods and he doesn't want to go in, he wants to turn and run the other way.

"You nervous?" Joe asks and watches Caspar's shoulders shrug.

"Maybe a bit. But it's going to be fine. This is my day, and Maddie's. It'll be amazing."

Joe wants to go back to the bathroom, suddenly, but then Oli is beside him, "Course it will be." Oli says.

The three of them walk in, seeing Josh and all the other butter creams at the front with their girlfriends.

Josh was almost Caspar's best man, today, even though Caspar had asked Joe first. Joe had told Caspar that Josh should do it, that he was Caspar's best and closest friend. But Caspar hushed him, insisted that it had to be him.

And Joe had later asked Josh if he could do it instead and Josh said that he would help him with the speech, and that if it got to much he would take over but this day is Caspar's and he wants Joe there.

"You'll be alright Joe." Josh promises as Joe sits beside him.

"Why does everyone see it, except him?" Joe asks, "He's meant to understand, he always understands."

"He understands that you're his best friend and brother, Joe, he's probably never even considered you falling in love with him." Josh's words are spoken in a whisper, because Caspar is only a couple of meters away, standing at the front anxiously as everyone filters in.

Caspar smiles at him and Joe returns it as brightly as he can with a thumbs up too and remembers he has to stand, and hold the rings until they need them, so he stands a meter or so behind Caspar, the two beautiful rings on a cushion in his hand.

Joe doesn't care to notice the song as Maddie walks in, but he looks at her, and she is beautiful in her dress and her smile lights the room and Caspar's heart and she is perfect; perfect for Caspar. The perfect Joe can never be. Then he can barely watch the rest of the ceremony and he stands a meter from the couple holding the rings and he's shaking as he hands one to Caspar and then Maddie.

Joe knows he cries when they kiss, when it is all over, but he blinks the tear from his eye and watches it drip onto the carpet.

It's hard to smile in the photos afterwards especially because he has to stand next to Caspar and everything hurts.

"You're doing great Joe. That's half the day done already." Oli promises as they get into the car to go to the reception.

The wedding reception is beautiful and of course Joe had been here earlier to set up the balloons and he and Josh helped Jack and Conor to set up the dj equipment too.

Jack had looked at Joe in sympathy as he tried to laugh at the jokes and look happy even though it was so clear there was a heavy weight on his shoulders as he blew up the golden and silver balloons.

"Joe it's beautiful, thank you." Caspar tells him as he and Maddie arrive at the venue.

Joe smiles weakly but he stays looking at the floor because he knows Caspar and Maddie are holding hands, fingers and wedding rings all intertwined.

"Are you okay?" He asks suddenly and Joe has to look at him then.

"Course. Just been a long day, I'm fine Caspar." And he smiles at his friend, and yes he and Maddie's hands are intertwined.

Joe has to sit next to Caspar throughout the start of the meal, and he only eats because Caspar will say something if he doesn't because he always reminds Joe to eat. He is shaking when he stands for the best man's speech, and he starts with the cards from people who couldn't come and that's kind of okay and he looks over at Oli who is smiling reassuringly at the table with their other friends.

It's harder, when he starts the speech, when he tells everyone that Josh had to help him with embarrassing childhood stories, and he lists some okay, and his voice doesn't really shake and people laugh at embarrassing stories.

"But we all know Caspar is more- than- just these stories. He's-" Joe breathes and he looks around the room and Oli is looking at him supportively and he sees Zoe who looks like she is about to cry too and his eyes pass Maddie's family that should be dominated by his family- "He's our friend, brother, son-" Joe realises that this just sounds like something written on a gravestone and he takes another breath, "He's turned around so many people's lives and-"

Joe knows he can't do this and his heart is beating so fiercely and there are tears burning at his eyes. He looks at Josh, who is next to him, with begging eyes and Josh looks back sadly but nods. Joe hands him his notes and scrambles out the tables and out the room. He hears the scrape of a chair and hushed whispering, probably Caspar and Josh but then he's gone and crying in the toilets.

"Joe." Oli's holding him tightly as he cries suddenly. "Oh Joe."

"I want it to be me." Joe says and his whole body quivers in Oli's arms.

"I know, Joe I know."

"Can I come in?" It's Zoe outside the door.

Joe nods into Oli's shoulder

"Yes Zoe, come in."

"Oh, baby bro."

Oli let's Joe move and fall into Zoe's arms.

"Why doesn't he love me?" Joe asks no one in particular, "I can't do it anymore."

Zoe glances at Oli as she holds him tighter.

"Joe I'm- I'm going back in, Joe, is that okay?" Oli asks and Joe nods. "If Caspar asks me what happened what do you want me to say?"

Joe breathes heavily and looks up, "Tell him to ask me."

"And what will you say?" Oli asks but Joe shrugs and buries his face into his sister's shoulder again. He hears the door close with a bang as Oli leaves.

"Would you like to go outside Joe? Get some air?"

Joe nods.

  
It's nice to get fresh air but it's hot outside anyway, being late August, and the sun is shining brightly, too brightly.

"Are you going to tell him, do you think?" Zoe asks. They sit on the steps outside the manor house where the reception is taking place.

Joe shrugs, "Maybe. If I can. I just want him to understand. Everyone else in that room does I'm pretty sure."

"Even Maddie?" Zoe asks.

Joe shrugs, "I don't know. Maybe, probably." Maddie never talks to him unless she has to, and Joe is sure she does not like him all that much.

"You want to go back in?" Zoe asks.

"Do I have to?" Joe asks, "I don't think I can bare to sit next to him. He'll start asking what happened and I can't-"

"Sit with me Joe. Lily can sit on Alfie's lap." Zoe suggests. Joe nods.

His heart is beating as they walk back in. The speeches are over now, and everyone is talking as they eat the main course. Joe doesn't look up but he knows Caspar is staring at him as Zoe lifts her daughter from the chair and Joe sits in it.

"Shall I go and get your food?" Zoe asks. She knows Joe would say he's not hungry though, and goes to get it herself.

"Zoe-" Caspar says as she turns to leave with Joe's food. Zoe pauses. "Did I do something?"

Zoe shakes her head, "Just talk to him, maybe not today, but soon."

  
Joe barely eats and he can feel Caspar's eyes on him the entire time and he really wants to run again. He plays with his niece though, and she gurgles as Joe bounces her on his lap. He feels a buzz in his pocket, and he knows it's Caspar and his heart is besting when he looks at the screen.

Caspar: Tell me what's wrong? :(

Joe: Not today

Caspar: Is it me?

Joe: No, not really, it's just me, please don't do this today, it'll ruin it for you.

Caspar: Not knowing will ruin my day.

Joe: In your room then? After dinner?

Caspar: Okay x

  
The kiss at the end hurts more and Joe's hands tremble as he puts his phone back. When the puddings arrive Joe let's Alfie have his too and he plays with Lily, shaking her little rattle and smiling as she squeals happily.

When the food has finished Conor and Jack turn the music up louder, and the kids start dancing and even if Caspar asks, Joe knows he could not be able to dance. He sits in the corner, on the floor, where there is a toy box with rattles and books for Lily.

"Lily, Lily look, what's this." Joe shows her a a finger puppet book with a worm puppet through the book. Lily watches Joe making the worm move with fascination as she listens to him reading. She gets bored half way through, and goes to look in the box herself. Joe pulls out a cuddly toy sheep.

"What noise does this make." He asks, "It goes baaa."

Lily laughs.

"Joe would you like us to play with her so you can go dance?" Caspar's nephew, Max asks.

"No it's okay Max, I've got her, you can play too if you like."

Max is 14 now, and he and his sister, Hannah, glance at each other then nod. They play for a while and then Oli says he and a few other kids were going to play football outside, so they run off with him.

"Joe." Of course it's Caspar. He sits beside him, takes Lily's small hand in his, "Joe can we go and talk, now?"

Joe forces himself to look at Caspar, and he's so close. He sighs, "Okay but, I need to get Lily back to Zoe."

He lifts Lily into his arms, making her drop the sheep toy. She cries a little, "Hey don't worry, Mummy will bring you back over her."

Zoe is already walking over. "What's wrong?"

"I'm going to talk with Caspar, she needs-"

"You want to do that now?"

"No but... he does."

And they both know that makes all the difference to Joe so Zoe takes Lily in her arms and watches Caspar and her brother walks from the room.

In the wedding reception, upstairs, is hotel like rooms. There is enough for a lot of guests closest to the Bride and Groom so of course, Joe has one, with Oli and Jack but he'd rather not stay, he'd rather go home, and cry in private until the morning.

Joe follows Caspar to his room, walking behind him silently as they stroll the wide, fancy corridors. Caspar unlocks the room and they go and stand by the window and watch the children and Oli (the biggest kid of them all) playing football. It is dark out, of course, but the floodlights illuminate the grass and the football and the children.

"What is it Joe?" Caspar asks, "You've been acting weird for so long now ever since-"

"Ever since Maddie?"

Caspar nods. "A-are you ill, or something-"

"No, no Caspar I'm not ill, physically o-or like depressed or anything, no." He can't look at Caspar.

"Did I do something wrong?"

Again, Joe shakes his head. "No, it's not your fault I just-" He takes a breath, "It's hard to tell you, it's been so long."

"Tell me what?"

Caspar is really close, his hand on Joe's waist, maybe as a comfort, and then Joe thinks he could kiss Caspar, to make him understand.

"I-it could be easier to show you?" Joe hesitates before speaking, because this could ruin everything left between them both but then he is sure Caspar will understand just as he always does.

"How could you possibly-"

Joe kisses him, his lips lingering against Caspar's for a few moments but then he pulls away, drops Caspar's suit collar from his hands even though he didn't realise he'd even taken hold of it, and moves away. He'd barely left himself enough time to remember how it felt.

"I-it just started as an idea. A kind of, stupid image in my head when we lived together. I just, I was just messing with myself, thinking, 'lol imagine if Caspar and I raised a kid in this flat together', like some messy fan fiction. And I imagined us with twins, and a dog, in our apartment and it was so ridiculous."

He can feel Caspar's eyes on him, softer than the calmest ocean.

"And then I imagined us in the same bed, waking up at stupid hours to the twins crying, and we'd take it in turns to feed them. Hell I even gave the twins and our dog a name. And then my imagination, this future, became the only one I could imagine, the only one that worked. And the thought of waking up to you every morning was so nice and happy and the most beautiful dream and then-"

Joe looks up at Caspar, but still he is only listening intently, respectfully,

"Oli asked me something, when we moved out. He asked if-" Joe trails off.

"If you were in love with me?" Caspar finishes for him and Joe nods slowly.

"You became the only person I could ever imagine myself with."

Joe wants to turn, and walk, run, away but instead he let's Caspar walk closer to him, hand back on his waist.

"What were their names- our kids, and dog."

The way Caspar calls them 'our' makes Joe want to shake and cry, "Uh, the dog was Polo and the kids, we kind of named them after our friends, um, Ava Rose and Oliver William Lee."

"My surname?" Caspar asks softly.

Joe shrugs, "It just sounded right." Caspar's hand touches his face, and Joe realises he is merely wiping tears from his cheeks.

"I'm so sorry Joe. If I'd have know I-"

"You wouldn't have married Maddie?"

Caspar is quiet, like he truly would do that, and Joe isn't even surprised because he doesn't have to question that Caspar would move entire planets and oceans and stars only for him.

"Caspar, that's-"

"I should have realised I just never thought that you'd-"

"I know. Me neither." They're quiet for a few moments, and Caspar is so close to Joe's face their noses are touching. "I don't think I can stay here tonight-" He pulls away from Caspar's arms, for he is far too close and it hurts,

"No, Joe please." Caspar is clutching Joe's wrist, pulling him back. "It won't be fun without you."

Joe doesn't understand what happens next because Caspar is kissing him, slowly and hesitantly in a way that Joe could pull back if he didn't want to but of course Joe does the opposite. He pulls Caspar closer, nearer and almost every part of them are touching and Joe's hand is in Caspar's hair and this only happened before in Joe's imagination. It sort of isn't right, Joe knows that, but the kiss is so beautiful and gentle and even more than Joe ever wanted.

Caspar pulls away slowly, rests his forehead on Joe's and they breathe silently.

The door flies over, and they pull away with a jump,

"What are you doing?" It's Max. He looks like he'd run up the stairs.

"Uh, nothing, Max, Joe was just a bit upset about something, are you okay?"

"Maddie just wondered where you are." Max says.

"Tell her I'll be down in a minute bud."

Max nods and closes the door and leaves.

"D-did he see. We were right by the window what if-"

Caspar shrugs, "Well I can explain it."

Joe nods, "I still can't stay Caspar. You can- you can always understand so please, understand why I have to go home."

Caspar closes his eyes, breathes, "Okay. I get it, Joe I do, but if you need anything, call me okay, I still- It doesn't change anything Joe, you know I- just not-"

Joe sighs, "You love me but you're not in love with me." He nods, "I know that Caspar."

Caspar nods, "I'm sorry. Come here." He pulls Joe into his arms and holds him in a tight hug, and he knows Joe is crying on his shoulder but he does not mind that. "I do love you Joe, okay, so much and I don't want you out of my life, please. You'll find someone, okay, better than me, someone you deserve."

Joe is sure that isn't true but he nods against Caspar's clothes nonetheless.

"Okay." He pulls away and feels Caspar kiss him a last time, short and barely there, "I guess I'll see you, Caspar." He steps away, and Caspar watches him walk towards the door and stumbles out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooo, there could potentially, may be a part 2 to this I have some ideas but I don't know how I could end it right so don't expect another part any time soon at least


	4. Swimming Pools and we are only fools.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caspar is going to get Joe to swim with him, no matter what

"Why don't you wanna swim Joe?" Caspar asks as he sits down beside his friend, "It'll cool you down."

Joe shrugs, and looks behind him at the bushes then back at Caspar, "I'm in the shade it's fine."

"Joe." Caspar says quietly, forgetting Josh and Oli in the pool as he runs his fingers through Joe's hair.

"I'll go in later." Joe promises, suddenly on edge because Caspar shouldn't touch him like that when other people can see.

"Yeah?" Caspar smiles, and Joe thinks he could swim in Caspar's eyes not the pool.

"Course." Joe smiles.

  
Although the sun is down and they are all dressed and Joe still has not swum.

"Joe you said you'd swim." Caspar says quietly in Joe's ear.

Joe shrugs, "Do I have to?"

"No but,"

"Why don't we swim when everyone else is asleep?" Joe suggests though he doesn't know why he says it.

Caspar thinks for a moment, "We'll have to be quiet, I don't know why my family will think."

"We don't have to."

"I want to." Caspar says.

 

It's still warm in the air, when Joe meets Caspar outside when everyone has gone to be. He takes off his dressing gown, smiles at the blonde who is already sitting on the pool edge, swirling his legs around in the water. Joe sits beside him, leans his head on Caspar's bare shoulder.

"Do you- do you ever miss- the old house?" Joe asks quietly.

Caspar lays his head onto Joe's, "Not really. We see each other all the time anyway." Caspar says, "Why? Do you?"

Joe is silent for a moment, then he shrugs, "Sometimes." He admits eventually, and looks up at Caspar in the darkness and for some reason his breath hitches. "Sometimes I miss watching tv with you and falling- a-sleep with you and sometimes my house is so quiet without you."

Caspar does not know what to say, so slowly, he takes Joe's hand in his and shakily links together their fingers.

"Come on!" Caspar says, slipping into the water and tugging at Joe's hand. With a smile, Joe slips into the water, still clutching Caspar's hand, and weirdly, he doesn't want to let go.

"Are you alright?" Caspar asks then because Joe is quiet, and Caspar can see a look in his eye that makes him feel queasy.

"Yeah I'm fine." Joe says with a small smile, but he is tired and for some reason he feels sad and he's missed Caspar so much that he just wants to hold him close for the rest of the night.

With his free hand, Caspar cups the shorter boy's necks, runs his thumb slowly along his jaw line,

"Are you sure?" Caspar asks, and his voice is so soft and so warm, and gentle and Joe knows that Caspar speaks to no one else this way.

"Y-yeah, Caspar I'm fine." Even thought Joe's heart is beating terribly fast against his chest and he finds himself looking at Caspar's lips and then he cannot breathe either.

"Ok." Caspar says, still so so softly and Joe thinks Caspar is looking at his lips too.

Joe breaks his hand, from Caspar's, wet from the water, and tangles it in the blonde's dry hair, pulling him a little closer.

"Joe." Caspar, whispers when their faces are ever so close, and Joe can feel Caspar's breath as he speaks. Joe only nods, and they read each other's eyes and glance at lips and then they kiss.

The kiss makes Joe shiver, and tingle all over and it's warm and soft and sweet and Joe stumbles backwards against the edge of the swimming pool, pulling Caspar closer, closer and he can barely breathe at all.

"Joe." Caspar mutters and he kisses Joe's jaw and down his neck and collar bone, and oh, Joe does not understand why this has never happened before, and he does not understand how good it feels. "Joe, Joe, Joe-"

"Caspar." Joe responds and lips meet again, messily and suddenly hurriedly and desperate.

The sound of a dog barking makes them both jump, and they look back at the door. A light comes on, and popcorn is scratching at the glass, then Caspar's sister is there scooping up the puppy and frowning when she sees the two boys.

Abruptly, the two move away from one another, splashing about the water. Theo opens the door.

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing." They both say all too quickly.

"Just swimming." Caspar says.

"It's late." Theo says, "You should get to bed." She closes the door and walks out of view and the light goes out again.

"We should sleep." Caspar says, turning and climbing from the pool.

"Caspar." Joe calls, clambering out behind him, "Wait." He dries himself with the towel and Caspar does the same,

"What Joe?"

"Can I sleep in your bed?" He asks and Caspar sighs.

"Yeah." He says though rubbing his hair dry from where Joe's wet hand had run through it. "Okay."

It does not take long to dry themselves, in the humidity of the night, and when they scramble under Caspar's bed covers, only in boxers, they're warm and Joe doesn't feel sad anymore. He lies close to Caspar, arm around his waist.

"Night Caspar."

Joe can almost feel Caspar smile softly as he runs a hand through Joe's hair, "Night Joseph."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is short but I found it in my notes and realised it was finished so here :)


	5. Caspar's Wedding (Part 2: If I'd Known Before)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caspar doesn't understand why he had never considered being in love with Joe. Of course Joe has always been number one priority, almost from the moment they met, and of course sometimes they slept in the same bed or sat so close, and he has seen Joe look at him for no reason, even if someone else is speaking, they will look at each other, and smile, and Caspar doesn't understand how he didn't notice the butterflies.

"Joe's in love with me." Caspar tells Josh. He sits in his friend's flat, beside him on the sofa.

"Yeah, mate no shit." Josh replies, "Did you really never notice?"

Caspar shrugs, "I never thought of it." He answers. He falls quiet, "He kissed me."

"Yeah." Josh says, "He said."

"But- Josh, I kind of, I kissed him, too, twice."

Josh is quiet, and he looks at his friend, "Why?"

"I don't know!" Caspar stands up, walks across the room and leans against the wall, "Have you seen him? S-since the wedding. It's just I haven't heard from him and I-"

"He's alright." Josh says, "I mean, what do you expect?"

Caspar is quiet, "I miss him."

"Obviously."

"Should I see him? Or will I make it worse. I can't- I can't lose him."

"Caspar, I know that you still want to be his friend but, it can never work now."

Caspar slides down the wall, and he looks at the ring on his finger, twiddling it around, "Josh I can't lose him."

Somehow Josh understands those words and he looks at his friend in a mix of confusion and sympathy, "What, you think you have feelings for him?"

"Do you think I've made a mistake? With Maddie?" He takes off the wedding ring, and he looks at the names carved inside, Caspar and Maddie, and it doesn't seem right or sound right or look right anymore. And he thinks of Joe, and how they kissed at the wedding reception and he thinks of the future Joe had pictured for them.

"Caspar, I- it's too late now. Caspar you just, I don't even know what to say but you can't, you can't see Joe anymore. Not now."

Caspar slides the wedding ring back on his finger. He says nothing but he feels like crying.

"Caspar, you must promise me you won't see Joe again. Not ever, even to say goodbye because it will be too hard on the both of you. You must promise me."

Caspar looks at the wedding ring on his finger and closes his eyes only to see Joe, beautiful and smiling, gentle blue eyes drowning in him,

"I promise."

Xx

Joe feels frozen, and tired, and hurt and confused as he looks at Caspar; who stands on the doorstep wrapped in a sodden rain coat and soaked hair.

"Joe."

"W-what are you doing here? Caspar you can't Josh said you wouldn't come and I shouldn't go to you either. That it would be better why are you-"

"I'm sorry. I had to. I miss you and I told you before I can't lose you. Can I come in?"

Joe is quiet, and he only stares at Caspar, who looks cold and wet and exhausted.

"I mean, I can go, I probably should but-"

Joe steps aside, and Caspar walks in slowly, takes off his coat.

"How, how was your honey moon?" Joe asks, taking Caspar's coat and hanging it on the hook by the door. Water droplets drip onto the wooden tiled floor.

"It was nice. We went to Italy- well I mean I'm sure you know that- and it was great but, it reminded me of where we went, remember for Hit The Road Europe."

"I remember." Joe replies, "You look cold, lemme get you a jumper, or something."

"I'm fine." Caspar says, but Joe smiles almost sadly and shakes his head.

"You're cold. I'm getting you a jumper. Help yourself to a hot drink or something." Joe patters up the stairs to his room.

Caspar walks into the kitchen, puts on the kettle and finds two mugs from the cupboard. He makes tea exactly as Joe likes it; strong but with some milk, and he places them on the coffee table as Joe walks back in.

"I- I know I'm smaller than you but this should fit." He holds out an oversized, black hoodie, one from their tour years ago.

Caspar puts it on. It smells like Joe. "You still have these hoodies?"

Joe shrugs, "Why would I get rid of them?" He sits down on the sofa, "Thank you for the tea."

"It's okay." Caspar sits beside him; close but not touching like they would normally.

"Does Maddie know you're here?" Joe asks quietly, sipping some of his tea.

"No." Caspar speaks softly, "She's out with friends. I tried to sleep but-"

Joe nods, and flinches as Caspar's hands brushes his fingers,

"C-Caspar I-"

"I meant what I said, that if I'd have known, that you were- I never would have-"

Joe shakes his head hurriedly, swipes his hand from Caspar's, "You can't say that." He looks at Caspar, drowning, drowning as Caspar had pictured so easily.

"Maybe. But I know I can't live without you Joe. It has been nice, with Maddie, really but I missed you so terribly. Please, I don't understand anything anymore but I know I need you, Joe."

Somehow Caspar is holding Joe's hand again, and they're close and Caspar thinks he might be drowning also, and he remembers the taste of Joe's lips and he kind of wants-

"Caspar. We can't, I can't you-"

"Yeah." His lips brush Joe's though, not really a kiss but something, and it feels nice and he wants more. "I know." He moves away.

"We should sleep." Joe says, "It's late and you look so tired."

Caspar thinks that Joe looks tired as well and so he nods. "Yeah. Yeah we should."

They don't question anything, as they both head into Joe's room, and Joe strips down to his boxers, and Caspar takes off his jeans, wet with the rain, but Joe doesn't mind that he leaves them strewn carelessly across the floor, and he doesn't mind that Caspar keeps on his jumper.

"Caspar, Caspar can you-"

Caspar wraps an arm around Joe, pulls him closer, closer, closer and somehow Joe lies on top of him, hair brushing Caspar's chin.

"Goodnight Joe." Caspar says softly. Joe's hand runs through Caspar's hair and he giggles softly,

"Your hairs still a bit wet." Joe says.

"Should I dry it?"

"It's fine. Besides I'm too comfortable."

And while Caspar holds him, Joe feels safer and at home and okay but he knows that this is just making it all so much worse.

Xx

Caspar doesn't understand why he had never considered being in love with Joe. Of course Joe has always been number one priority, almost from the moment they met, and of course sometimes they slept in the same bed or sat so close, and he has seen Joe look at him for no reason, even if someone else is speaking, they will look at each other, and smile, and Caspar doesn't understand how he didn't notice the butterflies.

He doesn't really understand now, either, but he knows now that he could have had everything with Joe, and he knows that it is too late. That Maddie is most likely at home, wondering where he is and she cannot even call because god dammit his phone still lies face down on his bedside table at home.

Now, as he wakes up, Joe still wrapped in his arms, he realises that this is bad.

"Joe?!" It's Josh's voice.

And before Caspar can even think the bedroom door is open.

"Caspar." Josh sounds kind of mad, exasperate, but he doesn't look surprised. "Caspar, I told you."

"This is only once, and I had to." Caspar says, "I had to."

"Maddie was worried sick. What the fuck am I meant to tell her?"  
  
"Shhh." Caspar says, "Joe is still asleep."

"Really?" Josh's voice is quieter, but he is still mad, "You have no shame? Caspar this is cheating, fucking adultery, Caspar."

"No." Caspar insists, "No we never kissed or anything we just-" Even though maybe they kind of did but it wasn't properly, and it was short and they stopped themselves.

"Will Maddie believe that?" Josh asks, "I don't think she will understand this at all, do you?"

Joe shifts on Caspar's body, "Caspar? What time is it?" His voice is groggy and slow, and he doesn't open his eyes.

Josh speaks, "It's nearly 9."

Joe opens his eyes then, rolls off Caspar's lap.

"Josh I-"

"Don't worry, Joe, it's alright. I mean, I'm mad but mostly at Caspar."

Joe sits up and rubs his eyes and runs a hand through his hair. Caspar wants to tell him he doesn't have to do that, that his hair looks fine and he looks beautiful, but he remembers that he shouldn't and that Josh is here.

"I guess I'm just leaving." Caspar says.

"No." Josh says, "Do whatever, Caspar, but it's just going to make it worse. I'm going to see Oli, anyway."

There's a click of Joe's door as Josh leaves and Caspar looks at Joe.

"Sorry. I know I shouldn't have come."

"It's okay." Joe says, "I have not slept that well since, I don't know, since we moved out I guess."

"Joe." Caspar lies back down, and looks up at his best friend, "I'm really sorry, for everything."

Joe lies down beside him, "You shouldn't be, Caspar, it's not your fault."

Caspar looks at Joe's eyes, blues and greens but also greys, and his heart hurts to know he probably caused the grey, "I know but I should have known. How didn't I notice?" Because it is so obvious now, as he looks at Joe, that his eyes do not look this soft and wide and calm for anyone besides him.

"I don't know." Joe says, "But it doesn't matter."

"But it does Joe." Caspar's fingers touch Joe's face, lightly, "Because now I think that I might-"

"Please don't." Joe says. Only the words come out as a whisper and he closes his eyes, feeling Caspar's fingers graze his skin, "I've gotten used to knowing you feel nothing for me you can't say that you..." Joe trails off.  
  
"I wish we never married, Maddie and I. Not now. I wish, I wish we, you and I, could have been- we could have had that future, the dog and the twins. We could have been amazing."

"Caspar you can't, you can't talk like this." Joe moves closer though, and Caspar's hand slow dances along Joe's waist and skin and it feels perfect. Joe opens his eyes, and Caspar is looking at him with the most beautiful blue eyes he fell in love with years ago. So many years ago.

"Joe. I'm sorry." Their lips are almost touching. And this is wrong and Caspar got married barely two months ago only Joe's lips are so close and "I'm sorry Joe."

Now their lips are touching and Joe's eyes are closed again but he looks almost sad, and he doesn't move so Caspar says sorry again, and then again, and he kisses Joe's lips as he speaks the words.

"Joe. Just once Joe, so I can know, what I've missed, Joe I'm sorry." And Caspar doesn't really know why he's apologising. Maybe for what he is about to do.

They kiss in slow motion, like they are the last things they will ever taste, and like they have all of time left. And Caspar is sure, sure that Joe is crying for he can taste tears on his lips.

"We can't." Joe pushes himself away and his voice is choked with sobs. He rolls out the bed, "I'm going to shower." He walks into the bathroom, slamming the door and the bed is suddenly huge and cold and lonely.

Caspar's lips still tingle, as he leaves the bed, and he finds that he and Joe's tea from last night is still on the lounge coffee table. He tips it away down the sink.

Xx

"You didn't have to make me breakfast." Joe's voice sounds cold, and empty and Caspar had never heard Joe speak like that.

"Sorry." Is all he can say. "It's bad anyway."

He goes to take the plate of beans and sausage and the fried egg but Joe shakes his head.

"No it's fine. I'm thankful I just-" Joe sits down at the counter, beside Caspar.

"I understand." Caspar says. And he's beginning to understand what Josh was saying, that this will make it worse for both of them.

When they have finished eating, in a suffocating silence, Caspar offers to wash up.

"Caspar no." Joe says, "I'll do it later, please don't, just stop."

"Okay." Caspar says. "I should go, anyway."

"Yeah."

Caspar's still wearing Joe's jumper though, and neither of them mention that. And they both stand there, looking at one another and somehow they're moving closer, and then they are kissing and Joe is against the kitchen counter, and he's pulling Caspar closer even though he shouldn't.

"Joe I must-" Caspar pulls away so slowly, and still he pecks Joe's lips a couple times, "I must go."

Joe eyes are big, and blue and calmer than still waves glistening in the summer sun, "Will you come back soon?" His voice is quiet and gentle, so much so that Caspar fears Joe may break under his touch.

"Yes, Joe I will come back I promise."

Joe nods, "Good because I can't- I can't lose you either."

And God all Caspar can hear is Josh and his warnings, and he is so afraid to let go of Joe and never get to hold him again.

"Joe I-"

Joe nods, "Don't say it, please. I don't think I could handle- but, I do, too."

Caspar feels like crying as his fingers slowly fall from Joe's clothes, and he kisses him once and it feels like the last time as he moves away.

"Bye. I will see you soon, I promise you I will."

The steps away from Joe are hard, and soon he has to look away from Joe's face and he turns out the room, grabs his coat from the hanger and leaves the house. It is no longer raining, out, but there are still dark, ominous clouds looming ahead and it is only a matter of time-

Caspar jogs the way home.

Xx

Not only are there entire oceans in Joe's eyes, the Mediterranean streaked with the Pacific and clouded over by the Red Sea, but planets glisten in them too. All of space and every star in all of time shimmer in Joe's eyes as tears well in them. And those stars create the calmest of night skies, and all of space is drowning in them, bathing, swimming, and drowning, inside his eyes.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Joe asks, breaking the silence between the two of them like the hum of a bumblebee.

"Like what?" Caspar asks. He smiles though, and still Joe's eyes entrance every part of him.

"Like the entire world is in my eyes."

"It is." Caspar says, "And every other world too."

"Shut up." Joe says, looking away from Caspar and down at his bedsheets. Caspar laughs,

"You are so beautiful, Joe. Surely I have said so before."

"Yeah. I didn't think you meant it."

Caspar kisses Joe's lips quickly, "Well I do."

"Did you tell Maddie where you are this time?" Joe asks.

"Yeah. She was confused but she didn't say anything." Caspar answers and he feels bad about that. He feels like Maddie should have said something, but then she shouldn't have to feel that way at all.

"I think she knows that I- you know, am in love with you. She's probably worried that you are- with me me too."

"She's right to worry." Caspar answers.

"Caspar."

Caspar's quiet, "Sorry. My birthday party is Saturday. You're coming right? I'm only 30 once."

Joe shrugs, "Maddie will be there?"

Caspar nods.

"And Max?"

"What's wrong with my nephew?" He asks.

"He saw us. Remember, at your wedding."

"He didn't see anything, Joe, it is okay. I promise."

Joe's not sure though, they had been so near the window, and Max had not even been near Maddie for her to ask for Caspar's whereabouts, and he had run up the stairs, clearly, how could he not have-

"Please come, Joe. It won't be right without you." Caspar says, his hands are tip toeing up and down Joe's skin again, in a way that Joe cannot get enough of feeling.

"Alright."

Xx

People: Everyone's worst enemies.

And Joe is surrounded by them. None of them strangers, or fans, but Caspar's family, what would have been his family, and Maddie is there too, beside Caspar, and Joe is trying not to look at the way he touches her hand; the softness and gentleness equal to when he is with Joe. And Joe is then sure that Caspar does not really love him, that it is only out of pity, and because he does want to keep Joe, as his friend, best friend.

Only it is something Joe has never seen them as.

Joe sits with Oli, and Jack, and Josh for most of the day, and Josh only eyes the way Joe looks at Caspar, and Joe knows that he knows everything, surely he does and he feels sick then; sick with guilt.

Music is playing, and they are all outside and the barbecue is hot and smells so nice but Joe is all but hungry.

"I'm going to the toilet." Joe says, not really to anyone, but he knows his friends hear.

He finds the upstairs bathroom and locks the door. In he mirror he stares emptily at himself; grey, exhausted eyes looking coldly back at him. Joe thinks he should just leave, go back home, to Wiltshire, maybe, because it is all too much now.

"Joe?"

Of course it's Caspar's voice, plaited in concern and softness, in a way he talks to no one and Joe knows once more that Caspar does truly love him.

"Joe are you alright?"

"Yeah Caspar I'm fine." Joe replies but when he looks back at the mirror he is crying.

"Can I come in?"

"N-no. It's alright, I'm coming out." He says, hurriedly wiping his eyes on his sleeve and opening the door. He wants to run down the stairs but Caspar is in his way, ocean blue eyes staring him down.

"Joe." The way his hand touches Joe's cheek, almost like it's not touching at all, "Why have you been crying?"

"I-I haven't." Joe ensures, only he should have known Caspar would notice, he should have known.

Caspar's hand cups Joe's skin, and his thumb wipes another tear that falls from his eye. Joe looks away, forces a short laugh, at himself, almost.

"I can't do it, Caspar. Seeing you with- with Maddie, I'm so exhausted with all of this." Joe is crying properly, and he melts and shakes and collapses into Caspar's arms. When he finally looks up, his eyes are closed, and he bathes in Caspar's presence as though he's the sun.

"I am so sorry it has to be this way Joe." Caspar whispers and they are both so close together, lips almost touching, noses brushing one another's,

"It's too late for us now." Joe accepts, although he doesn't pull away when Caspar kisses him, instead sighs, leans, falls apart in the boy's arms. "Caspar."

Slowly, unwillingly they break away and already, barely a metre is so far and Joe wants nothing more than for Caspar to touch him again.

"Happy birthday, by the way." Joe says, only he looks down at the floor instead.

"Thank you. I haven't opened presents yet but thank you for it."

Joe shakes his head, "You'll probably hate me."

"Hey that isn't possible. Will you tell me?" Caspar brushes his hand up and down Joe's arm in that way again, the way that makes Joe unable to say no,

"I got you that new camera. The one you've been on about since it was advertised."

"Joe they're expensive." Caspar says, and Joe opens his mouth to speak but Caspar shakes his head, "No I don't hate you, I just don't know how you could have-"

"Caspar I have the money to buy three, four of those cameras, don't feel bad."

"But you shouldn't spend that amount on me. I'm not worth that."

"Oh Caspar. I thought you understood by now, you are worth everything, to me." Joe replies, "We should go back downstairs, before people miss us."

"Yeah."

Josh knows, when they both appear together outside. Josh knows. And he is looking at them both like he'd like for them to burst into flames. Joe goes to get a drink, an ice cold beer, and then Max is right beside him.

"You shouldn't be drinking beer." Joe says to the 16 year old, even though his heart is shaking and he should have foreseen Max's reply.

"You shouldn't be kissing my Uncle."

"I-I'm not." But Joe's cheeks are red and hot and the hand which holds his beer quivers. He glances over to Caspar, who is talking to Josh, a seemingly serious conversation, then back at the child in front of him. "What would you know anyway? You're sixteen."

"Isn't that enough to know Caspar is cheating on his wife?"

Joe hates sassy teenagers. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"I saw you. In the window at the wedding. His fucking wedding."

Joe wants to tell him off for his language but now no words will come out at all. He can feel the entire world around him blur and shatter.

"You should leave. The party. London. Caspar's life. Because you're going to ruin it for him. He could have been happy. And I like Maddie as my Aunt. I never want you as my Uncle. Just leave before you tear his world to pieces, because that's what will happen, if Maddie saw, if his mum saw. You would leave if you loved him."

Joe walks away, before he can hear anymore, but all he knows is that Max is right.

Xx

"Is Maddie here?" Josh asks as he wonders in to her and Caspar's house.

"No, she left about half an hour ago for work." Caspar answers, not looking up from his phone, "Is Joe alright? He won't answer my texts or calls?"

"That's what I came to talk to you about." Josh says, sitting beside his mate on the sofa.

Caspar finally looks up then, at Josh's sympathetic smile and then at the small, white, folded piece of paper in Josh's hand.

"What happened?" Somehow, with shaky hands, Caspar replaces his phone in the back pocket of his jeans. "Is Joe-"

"He went home, to his Dad. He's not coming back, and you mustn't go after him." Josh explains, "He left you this. I haven't read it, he told me only you would understand."

It becomes obvious to Caspar then, that Joe planned this some days ago. Because yesterday morning, after a night curled up against one another like kittens, Joe had kissed him. Joe never kisses Caspar first. He'd always hesitate even when Caspar kisses him, but yesterday was different. His lips against Caspar's were still for a strangely long time, like he was so desperate to remember, and then they kissed in such a slow motion that Caspar failed to understand why. But now he gets it, he gets the tender, reluctant way Joe pulled away from the kiss. And he gets the way Joe's fists were gripped so, so tightly to his jumper. And the look in his eyes like he were drowning for a final time-

Hesitantly, through a teary eyed, blurred vision, and slightly trembling hands, Caspar takes the paper.

"Would you like me to leave?" Josh asks, going to stand.

Caspar shakes his head quickly. "No stay."

Watching Caspar unfold the paper feels long and exhaustingly painful. Every movement his fingers make across the paper seem dragged out and as though he is feeling where Joe's fingers have been.

The writing on the A5 notebook paper is extremely neat, for Joe, who's handwriting is barely legible at the best of times. Now each letter looks at though it has been painted by an artist. Caspar is scared to read, but somehow the words fill his brain without much effort at all.

_Hey Caspar,_

_When you read this I guess Josh, or Oli, has already told you where I am, but I'll reiterate it for you. I'm going home, to Wiltshire, because I can't._

_I can't live like this Caspar. I won't break your marriage apart, I won't be that person. And I can't let you come round anymore because I always let down my guard, I always give in, I always, always do the worst for both of us._

_And Max, he did see us, on your wedding day. He told me at your birthday party last week. He told me I should leave and I'm not just doing what a teenager says, he's right._

_Your future and mine can never be what I, or We, have dreamt of. Because it is just that, Caspar, a dream. A fantasy. A wild, stupid image I thought up as a joke, almost ten years ago, that got us both in such a mess._

_So, I hope you understand why I must leave Caspar. Why you must never text me, call me, come and visit me. Why we must never see each other again, I beg you to understand, Caspar._

_Maybe if I'm no longer around you I may be able to move on, and you can remember your love for Maddie, and we should never forget that our futures are not shared together but apart from one another, that they never can be one and the same._

_I'm sorry I couldn't face a real goodbye. I'm not a coward, I just fear I would be unable to let go of you._

_So I'll say it now, Caspar. Goodbye. I wish you all the best,_

_Yours, forever,_

_your little honey badger, Joe x_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be a part 3 soon(?) but here :) Hope you enjoyed it


	6. Caspar's Wedding (Part 3, Joe's wedding)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caspar's heart is in his throat and he watches as Joe's eyes meet his, and his smile falters and he stops mid sentence to Josh. Caspar smiles awkwardly and hopes that would be all but no, Joe walks towards him, and everyone seems to be holding their breath for a while.

"What?"

Caspar has always, always understood everything about Joe, his Joe, but maybe over three years he has lost that ability now. Maybe any connections they once had are all broken now. But that is likely wishful thinking.

"Joe is getting married." Josh repeats. "And he told me he'd like for you to come."

"Is that not a bad idea?" Caspar asks, but maybe he is too afraid to see Joe has moved on.

"I think so. But he wants you there." Josh tells him, "You'll go right? You're not still in love with him, are you?"

Caspar hesitates, "No."

Josh sighs, "Caspar you haven't seen him in years. How can you still-"

"I said I didn't!"

"Yeah." Josh says, "And I know you're lying. Look, mate you don't have to go, but Joe has moved on and maybe it would give you some closure to see that."

Maybe. Perhaps. Nothing is certain anymore, it was easy with Joe, a definite 'I'll be back' or 'I am in love with you.' Now it's all, 'maybe I'm over it' and 'perhaps Joe has moved on now.' 

He does know for sure though, that he wants to see Joe again, that it has been so long now he has to hold him in his arms again, kiss him- not that they can do that when he sees him, but seeing him is better than nothing right?!

"When is it?" Caspar asks, hearing baby cries erupting from the other room.

"Next month."

Caspar sighs, "How long have you known he's moved on."

Josh shrugs, "9 months, a year? I don't know, Casp, but he told me I shouldn't tell you."

"Why?"

"I don't know, Caspar!"

The cries get louder.

"I've got to go, Josh." He says, pushing past his friend into his baby's room. 

"Hey AJ." Caspar says, lifting his child from the cot. "I know, I know come on then, we'll heat up some milky yeah?" Caspar knows AJ isn't the only one crying as he walks into the kitchen.

"Caspar you're crying." Josh says. Caspar looks up at him with red-ringed eyes.

He misses Joe, terribly, and Maddie knows of course that the absence of his friend affected him a lot but she didn't know. She didn't know he kissed him at their wedding, didn't know the way he'd held him at nights and told him there were worlds in his eyes. She didn't know that he was, is, in love with him.

And then he had AJ, and he was happy, truly, when she showed him the two lines on the pregnancy test. And he had kissed her and told her he loved her and he was excited for a child, even though he could not get the family he and Joe could have had out his mind. AJ must have been conceived about the same time Joe had met this new guy, or girl, or whatever.

"I'm sorry Caspar, I am but you were never going to be with Joe anyway. He'd have to marry eventually."

"I know." Caspar replies coldly, taking the milk from where it was heating in the pan, letting it cool as he rocked AJ up and down. "Does Joe, does he know about-" Caspar gestures at the whimpering baby.

"No." Josh says, "Shall I tell him?"

Caspar shrugs, "I don't want to drop it on him with no warning at his wedding."

"You're coming then?"

Caspar shrugs, touching some milk to his lips to check it's cool enough, "I need to see him." He tells Josh, "You have no idea how much I miss him."

AJ silences himself as the bottle reaches his mouth.

/

The following month is long and painful and Caspar finds himself counting down the days with anxiety in his chest the closer it got. Telling Maddie felt weird:

"Joe's getting married."

"So?"

"We're invited."

"Why do you sound so gloomy about it?"

"I don't."

Caspar wonders if Maddie has ever figured it out. But he guesses not, because, well she couldn't know. Because that could ruin everything. Josh helps Caspar choose a suit, but when Caspar asks if he thinks Joe would like it, Josh regrets passing on Joe's invite. He knows this cannot end well. 

/

Caspar is already exhausted, when he gets up for the wedding. AJ had cried and wailed all night like he knows his Dad is meeting the man he is in love with for the first time in three years the next morning. So he has terrible bags under his eyes when he is dressed and styling his hair in the mirror.

"You excited?" Maddie leans against the door way, bouncing their child in her arms, he wears a tiny suit, which took hours to find (they don't sell many tuxedos for 3 month year olds).

Caspar shrugs, "I guess."

"Well you're finally seeing your best friend for the first time in years." Maddie says, "You should be happy? Is there something you're not telling me?" She's joking, her raised eye brow tells Caspar that. But it isn't a joke to him.

Nonetheless, he laughs, "You got me there." He walks towards her and his son, kissing her lips then AJ's forehead. "Love you."

She smiles and Caspar's heart freezes for a bit because she looks sad and knowing, but she can't know, right?

"Love you too."

/

Caspar has never been so nervous as when he stood in the foyer of the wedding location. He holds AJ in his arms, bounces him up and down as he talks to Josh and Oli (or while he listens to them talk at least). Maddie is also beside him, but he can't bring himself to look at her.

"Joe's here."

Caspar isn't sure who said it, but he doesn't care because he has waited three years to see him and he can't breathe. He kisses AJ's head, and watches everyone bustle out to greet him. He hangs back, and god he hears his voice drifting in through the open door as he greets people, hears his laugh. And it is all so unreal. 

AJ tightens his grip on his father's shirt, and he gurgles softly, so Caspar looks away from the door and down at his son. He kisses his head softly. He doesn't notice the door open, not until Maddie nudges his arm gently.

Caspar's heart is in his throat and he watches as Joe's eyes meet his, and his smile falters and he stops mid sentence to Josh. Caspar smiles awkwardly and hopes that would be all but no, Joe walks towards him, and everyone seems to be holding their breath for a while.

"Hi." He says, smiling painfully. 

Joe has grown taller, definitely, his nose almost to Caspar's level. And he has more facial hair than before so he finally looks like a man rather than a teen. Besides that nothing much has changed and Caspar wonders how Joe possibly survived his wedding day.

"Hey Joe." Caspar says.

"This is AJ huh?" Joe says.

"Yeah, yeah, Josh told you about him?"

Joe nods slowly.

"You want to hold him?"

Joe shrugs but takes the child from Caspar. 

"Hello."

AJ looks up at Joe with soft, wide eyes, and squeezes Joe's finger in his hand.

"He's beautiful." He remembers to glance at Maddie too, and Caspar can see his smile falter.

"You wanna go, talk or something, quickly." Caspar blurts, even though this is a bad idea.

"Upstairs?" Joe asks.

And god nothing seems to have changed because they still get one another. And there's something electric in the small distance between them that maybe everyone in the room can feel. Josh and Oli are glaring, essentially, as Joe hands the child to Maddie and the two head towards the staircase. Caspar thinks that Maddie may be staring too, but he can't be sure because he refuses to look at her. 

The steps feel endless and loud under their feet, and they walk so slowly, falling in rhythm with each other's footsteps. And Caspar hates to love that. Joe's presence so near him feels like part of a dream, and a little hazy because he and Joe's hands are mere centimetres from one another and he wants nothing but to hold it.

When they reach the top of the stairs, Caspar watches Joe walk to the large window. He sits on the sill, staring down at the congregation of fancily dressed people below waiting for his fiancé. Caspar looks at him, his figure and his clothes, his hair, his hands, shoes. And he looks along the hallway, hotel bedrooms lined along it. Caspar crosses the corridor, stands over Joe.

"How are you, then?"

Neither of them care for the answer to the question, and Caspar sits opposite Joe, and he looks at him.

"How does it feel, huh?" Joe asks, not looking away from the window, and Caspar thinks that he is just afraid to see him.

Caspar knows Joe is talking about being at his wedding, the wedding of the one you love.

"Like shit."

Joe nods.

"So is that what it's about, making me feel what you did. Joe I didn't know back then."

"I know. That's not what this is about." Joe finally looks at him, takes a moment to see him, properly, for the first time in years. And he looks just the same as before, when he had held him in his hands, arms, kissed him. His eyes still look rich blue, ocean blue, and Joe wants to drown all over again, "Fuck I missed you."

Caspar nods, "Me too." He says, "People are probably wondering where you are." He goes to stand because he cannot breathe on that window sill anymore.

"Wait." Joe's hand is on his wrist and, god dammit his touch makes Caspar weak, and dizzy and elated. Caspar turns to look down at him, and he is so so close. "We haven't even talked."

Caspar closes his eyes, rests his forehead on Joe's and his hands are on his waist, feeling the material of his suit, deep blue that clashes with Caspar's black suit.

"What is there to say Joe? Really, because I missed you, and for God's sake all this has done is confirmed I'm still in love with you."

Joe moves away, then, "You never said it. Caspar you're never supposed to actually say it."

Caspar closes his eyes, nods, and let's Joe move closer to him again,

"I wanted to be over you too Caspar. I tried to kid myself that I was."

Caspar can nearly taste Joe's breath and it is not fair. He has to kiss him.

Joe sighs, leaning closer and closer to Caspar's touch like he can't get enough of it. Caspar is quick sand and Joe is falling all too fast, 

"One, just one last time." Joe whispers and they're lips touching and this is so wrong but Caspar hasn't tasted this in years.

They're hesitant at first, slow and nervous, tasting each other until tongues are touching and they can't pull each other closer than this, and the kiss is rough and real and more confident and Caspar is sure Joe has never kissed him like this at all.

"Joe, Joe, we have to stop." Breathless, Caspar pulls away, straightening his best friend's tux, fixing his tie even though he had to get Maddie to tie his because he can never do it himself. He wipes the tears from Joe's cheeks, "You can't cry, Joe it's your wedding day."

"I don't- I want-" Joe closes his eyes and let's go of Caspar, both feeling the coolness of the air where they were just touching.

"I know but you can't back out now. This guy, though, Aaron?"

Joe nods.

"Is Aaron good?"

Joe nods again and Caspar knows that means he is good but he is simply not Caspar. And Caspar can't help feel this is his fault for being so oblivious.

"We should go now."

And Caspar wants to kiss him a last time but he fears he won't be able to stop.

"Do I look presentable?" Joe asks nervously.

Caspar wants to tell him he looks absolutely perfect, beautiful, but he doesn't, he bites the words back and nods, "You look fine, what about me?"

Joe nods, "Fine." He reaches up and quickly sorts the folds on Caspar's tuxedo collar. Then nods again, "Better."

They stare at one another for a moment, soaking, bathing, drowning, in each other's presence and Caspar is afraid they may kiss again.

"Joe we have to go." Caspar whispers, and he doesn't remember how it happened but now he's holding Joe's hand.

"Yeah." Joe drops his hand and turns, slowly, and plods down the stairs, Caspar closely following, taking in a deep breath to plaster on a fake smile as they're met with countless gawking eyes. 

"Ready to go in?" Joe's father asks, and fuck he's here too? Caspar can feel himself begging to disappear in a black hole. Joe nods beside him, and doesn't even glance back at Caspar as he follows his father into the main hall.

Caspar looks away as he disappears through the doors, and sees Josh at his side.

"What?"

"Tell me you didn't." Josh says quietly, though no one is watching them.

"Didn't what?"

Josh sighs, closes his eyes, "Tell me you didn't kiss him."

Caspar looks down at Josh with wide eyes and red cheeks and he hates how well Josh knows him. "Sorry." He walks away from Josh, and smiles at Maddie, taking his son into his arms.

"You okay?" Maddie asks him as they wander into the hall with the others.

"Yeah fine."

"You're crying, Caspar." She says quietly. Hurriedly, the blonde wipes the tear dripping down his cheek. 

He and Maddie sit at the back, Caspar bouncing AJ on his knee when the doors open, and they all stand and watch Aaron walk up the aisle, his mother beside him, music playing. Joe is smiling at him so wide and bright that everyone is probably fooled. And Aaron looks great, Caspar thinks, maybe perfect but not Joe's kind of perfect, not the perfect that Caspar will always be for him. And that's not even Caspar being biased.

Aaron's grin as he looks down at Joe, the curls on his head bright like diamonds, the expense his suit must have been. Caspar doesn't even care that he is crying. He looks away, down at AJ who's squirming in his arms.

He tries not to focus on the wedding and AJ begins to cry eventually. Everyone pauses and Caspar mutters a sorry and carries him out, despite Maddie's insistent whispers of 'I'll take him.' 

Joe watches Caspar walk out and his heart drops. Caspar should be here, to know that this is the end for them.

"Joe? Babe? Are you going to answer?" Aaron's voice drags his focus away from the doors.

"Huh?" 

"Do you take this man to be your husband?" The registrar repeats.

Joe blinks, swallows, and looks at Aaron almost blankly. "I-"

"Joe don't." Aaron says, causing Joe to frown, "Don't lie, okay." His voice is shaky and Joe feels sick with guilt.

"What do you mean I-"

"You aren't in love with me, Joe." Aaron is crying and Joe watches helplessly as a tear rolls down onto Aaron's suit. "You're in love with him." He nods towards the doors and drops his voice to a whisper, "Do you want to live in a lie, Joe?"

Joe looks at the door and he can hear AJ wailing outside, "But we can't- he and I- we can't!" He looks back at Aaron and he realises that Aaron can't either- can't carry on with something so fake.

"When we first met you told me you were heartbroken. And when you proposed I thought I'd fixed you, made you happy and healed again. But we have both been pretending. And it's not right."

Joe looks at Aaron, then back at the doors, then Aaron again, "I'm so sorry." He whispers, "So sorry."

Aaron nods, pats Joe's shoulder, forcing a smile, "Go find him."

Joe stumbles somewhat away from Aaron, walks slowly down the aisle, aware of eyes glaring at him. He stops halfway as the door opens, Caspar reentering with AJ asleep against his shoulder.

"What are you doing?" Caspar asks him quietly as he watches Joe walk towards him. And when they're face to face it feels as though they are the only two in the room.

"I can't do it." Joe tells him, "I can't lie, I can't pretend, I can't be happy without you."

"Joe I- what am I supposed to say to that?" Caspar answers, vaguely aware of a sense he is part of some romantic comedy, and the fact his wife is a couple metres away. 

"I think you're living a lie too." Joe says, pauses, closes his eyes, then looks up at Caspar, really looks at him, "I'm in love with you." 

Caspar can't breathe now, because Joe had never said it, not out loud not properly and it feels so real now. He glances behind him, at where Maddie is sitting, looking at her lap. He looks back at Joe, nods,

"I'm in love with you too." Caspar replies, and he daren't look behind him now, "You know that."

Joe nods, smiles slightly with relief, "Okay. What- what happens now?" He looks back at where Aaron is hugging his mother, Josh is talking to the registrar quietly explaining the situation.

"We call off the wedding?" It's Maddie's voice, and she stands up with tears in her eyes, "Fuck Caspar I should have known. Maybe I did know, I was just denying it but, you're not yourself without him." She nods towards Joe, "You've not been the same since we married." She shakes her head, "And you deserve to be yourself."

"I'm so sorry." Caspar says, "Really, I am I never even imagined any of this until the day we married I-"

"Let's not discuss this now." She runs a hand through her hair, aware of all the wedding guests watching the scene, "Shall I take AJ home?"

Caspar is quiet as he hands AJ over to Maddie, "You shouldn't drive by yourself." He says worriedly, "Not after everything-"

"I'm fine I promise." She smiles softly.

"Shall I take you?" Oli asks, appearing at Joe's side, "We live near anyway."

"Alright, yeah, okay." They head out the hall and Caspar watches them go, before looking back at Joe- his Joe.

"Wanna go back to mine?" Joe asks Caspar, people shuffling past them as they leave the hall, Joe's father pats him on the shoulder as he passes, a 'we'll talk later' kind of pat. "As in my place in Wiltshire, I mean, not London that'd be a long way to travel and-"

Caspar smiles and nods, cutting him off, "I'd like that Joe."

"Joe!" Zoe hugs her brother tightly, "I'm really proud of you!" Joe smiles against her shoulder,

"Really?"

She pulls away and looks at him, "It was the right thing to do, to end this mess." She assures him, Alfie and their, now two, children appearing at her side. "You two have a lot of catching up to do."

They disappear through the doors too, followed by the registrar and Josh who doesn't say anything, and their other friends too until it is only Aaron, nodding for his mother to leave and walking towards them both. 

Aaron is beautiful. Joe would never deny that. And his smile brightens a thousand lives and his touch is gentle and careful, and he was always so kind and patient with Joe.

"This is the famous Caspar Lee huh?" He says softly to Joe, holding out a hand to Caspar, who takes it awkwardly, "He said a lot about you."

"Yeah?" Caspar glances at Joe, who's blushing and not looking at either of them, "I'm sorry about that."

"No worries." Aaron says, looking at Joe.

"Aaron I'm really sorry." Joe blurts eventually, "I did like you really, and someone out there will really, really love like I should have it's just-"

"I get it Joe." Aaron assures him, a hand on Joe's shoulder, "We'll discuss this another time, yeah?"

"Okay."

"Bye Joe." Aaron kisses his cheek before leaving the hall.

Joe and Caspar stand silently for a moment,

"So, if Oli went in his car with Maddie shall we take yours?" Joe asks, hands in his trouser pockets.

"Sure." Caspar answers, but neither of them move, just look at each other, before Joe falls into Caspar's arms, and Caspar holds him tightly, closing his eyes.

"I missed you." Joe whispers, fingers digging into Caspar's suit material as though it will pull him closer.

"I missed you to!" Caspar says as he lifts Joe up half over his shoulder to carry him out the building.

"Caspar!" Joe squeals and struggles from the blonde's grip, "Caspar put me down! Stop!"

They're both laughing as Caspar sets Joe back onto the ground, various remaining guests outside staring, glaring, at them. Their laughter falls and Caspar catches Josh's eye where he speaks to Jack and Mikey.

"Come on." Joe tugs Caspar's tie, "Where's your car?"

"This way." Caspar replies, looking away from Josh and leading Joe to his car, unlocking it. He and Joe get in and close the doors. Caspar sighs, "Is this real?"

Joe smiles a little, leans his head on the headrest as looks over at his best friend, "Yeah, yeah it is real."

Caspar's world stops once more as he watches Joe smile, before he stars the engine and they drive away from the remaining crowds.

The car ride is silent, besides Joe giving various directions to their house, so the radio in the background is a saviour from awkward silences. When they arrive Joe tells him to park across the driveway, since the other car is his and he won't be moving it anyway, and they get out.

It's a nice house, Caspar thinks, very Joe, complete with a thatched roof. 

"Come on." Joe takes Caspar's arm and drags him to their front door and unlocks it with the keys from his pocket, his hand somehow in Caspar's by the time he's opened the door and they're both inside. He takes off his suit jacket and hangs it on the coat peg, Caspar doing the same. "I wanna get changed so um, yeah-" 

Joe pauses, his fingers loosening his tie frozen in position as Caspar lightly touches his elbow,

"Well it's not like I can fit into your clothes." Caspar tells him, and Joe's forgotten how to breathe,

"W-well I'm sure I have some over sized jumpers you can borrow um-"

Caspar's other hand lifts Joe's face up so their eyes meet- so Caspar can see all the oceans and worlds in Joe's eyes, "Joe can we-"

Joe closes his eyes, sighs as Caspar kisses him, pulls him a little closer, abandoning his tie which hangs loosely round his neck. 

"Let me take your tie off." Joe mumbles against his lips, pulling away and looking down at Caspar's tie, "Who put it on anyway- I always do your tie."

"Maddie did it for me." Caspar mutters, watching Joe move away and puts his tie over the coat rack, removing his own too, and placing it on top. 

Joe moves back to Caspar, suddenly aware they are still standing in the hallways by the front door but not bothering to move. Instead he fiddles with the buttons on Caspar's shirt, undoing them slowly, 

"Caspar we can't- don't get carried away okay?" Joe says, focusing on opening Caspar's shirt.

"Says the one stripping me before we even reach the bedroom?" Caspar smirks slightly, watching Joe flush and hide a tiny smile before undoing the last button on Caspar's shirt and kissing him again. 

Caspar tugs him closer, beginning to undo the buttons on Joe's shirt, quickly as they stumble a little away from the door. Joe breaks the kiss briefly and shrugs off his shirt, leaving it in the hallway as they reach the lounge.

"Joe." Caspar can't get enough of the way Joe's skin feels under his fingertips, and the way Joe leans into him and pushes his shirt to the floor as they kiss.

"Trousers?" Joe mumbles, Caspar nodding against him, kissing his chin, jaw, neck as Joe fiddles with his belt.

Soon they're both in their underwear, Caspar on the sofa, pulling Joe's body onto his, sighing, moaning, gasping. He and Joe had never gone this far, trapped under the fact that Caspar was married but now Maddie knows and maybe understands and everything feels free and right as he kisses and touches every part of Joe's skin.

"Caspar." Joe sighs, letting his lover pull him down so they're lying on the sofa. He giggles softly as Caspar misses his lips, kissing his nose.

"I did that on purpose." He insists.

"Sure." Joe laughs again, lying on Caspar's body, nose tickling the blonde's jaw line. He closes his eyes, "I love you."

"Love you too." Caspar replies, kissing Joe's forehead. They lay silently for a while, listening to the clock ticking on the wall. 

"So are you still making videos?" Joe asks his fingers making patterns on Caspar's chest, "I daren't look up your channel."

"A few videos. Not as regular though, even less since AJ." Caspar answers, "I watched your coming out video, that's about it though."

"Yeah I'm not doing that many videos anymore. I think the fans worked out something happened between us too." Joe says, letting Caspar's hand play with his fingers.

"Yeah. Imagine if we took a pic right now."

"A terrible idea, they know I'm getting married today."

"That's gonna be awkward to explain huh?"

"Will we make a video together explaining everything?" Joe asks, shifting slightly against Caspar's body, "I'm not squishing you am I?"

Caspar chuckles, "Video? Yes. Squishing me? No." He drapes an arm across Joe's body.

"Caspar?" Joe asks

"Yeah?"

"Do you think we'll have the future I imagined after all?"

Caspar smiles and looks at the ceiling, "Maybe something like that." He replies, closing his eyes and feeling his lover take his hand, linking their fingers together.

"Yeah." Joe says, closing his eyes too, and even though everything outside is kind of a mess right now, people left confused and hurting, and explanations incomplete, everything seems perfect under this roof, in this lounge, the sofa. And everything feels safe and perfect, curled up in Caspar's arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've fiiinallly finished the third and final part of the Caspar's Wedding thing. Hope you enjoyed it and the ending is okay?? Thanks for reading :) x


	7. Perfect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joe and Caspar are clueless, until they are dancing in the dark, barefoot on Joe's fake grass outside his apartment, starlight and fairy lights twinkling around them.
> 
> Based off of Ed Sheeran's 'Perfect'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At the line "Caspar puts on some music" start playing Angels by Robbie Williams for the full feels (It should match perfectly with everything going on depending on how quick you read I guess)
> 
> Hope you enjoy :)

Caspar has always been in awe of Joe, from the moment they had met. He admired his effortless talent at everything he did; singing, art, gaming, impressions, thinking up video ideas, pranks. Maybe Caspar was slightly envious of the brunette with the blue-grey eyes and bright, wide smile. But more than anything the older lad fascinated him.

Joe always seemed to enjoy Caspar's company too, and perhaps them moving in together was inevitable and everyone around them noticed the connection between them- how they were two jigsaw pieces fitting together. Whenever they hung out with their friends- despite living together- Joe and Caspar were always in their own world, sharing one seat on the sofa, laughing at inside jokes no one else understands, finishing one another's sentences like they've been married for decades.

Sometimes their friends would enter their apartment and find them curled up in bed in the late morning, sometimes asleep, breathing against each others bare skin, so, so unexplainably close, and other times lying against each other, laughing at a video on a laptop, leaning into each other's sides as they giggled. And their friends never bothered to question it.

Caspar and Joe never question it either. Even when sometimes, when Caspar would leave to get some shopping or go to a meeting, he would kiss Joe's cheek, or maybe, accidentally, on the lips, once or twice. But they just blush and act like it's forgotten, meaningless.

And Caspar tells himself it is meaningless, and that some friends kiss anyway and it doesn't mean he has feelings for Joe. He doesn't have feelings for Joe. Instead he is excited the day he arrives back from South Africa to tell Joe the good news- that he's found a girl, the girl, for him. He's happy, excited when he reaches the road in which the Jaspar House-hold is, and he walks briskly to the front door.

"Joe! I'm back." He turns to hang his coat up, to feel Joe hugging him from behind. Caspar smiles, turns around pulling Joe closer, smelling Joe's scent mixed with the smell of food cooking. "You're making dinner for me?" Caspar asks, pulling away and looking down at his best friend in adoration, soaking in Joe's eyes and smile and small breaths which touch his lips. 

"Of course." Joe replies, "Or we can order pizza if you'd rather, or anything you want-"

"No, I love when you cook." Caspar replies. Cooking is yet another one of Joe's effortless talents.

"Okay, well you'll have to let go of me, so I can check on the chicken." Joe says quietly, watching Caspar blush and let his finger tips slip from Joe's waist. 

"Right." Caspar watches Joe walk over to the oven and the news of his girlfriend is pushed to the back of his mind. "Hey you know you should come with me to Africa next time. They have the prettiest sunsets, and there's an elephant sanctuary there, and loads of animals you'd love. Oh and the beaches are so beautiful, when the tide's out the sand goes out for miles and-"

Joe laughs softly, "It sounds amazing, Caspar. I'd love to go." He dishes up the food, slowly.

"What's wrong?" Caspar asks, because Joe's smile is small and forced.

"Nothing." Joe says, "I just missed you." He adds eventually, "I even set a picture of your face as my lock screen." 

Caspar smiles, "I missed you too Joe. Even though we skyped everyday and texted."

Joe smiles back, before walking over to the table with their food. 

During dinner Caspar gushes more about his holiday, watching Joe laugh at parts of his story, eyes wide and interested and bumping his leg against Caspar's under the table though Caspar is unsure if it is accidental.

"Oh and the other great news Joe." Caspar goes on once both their plates are clean, despite how long it takes Joe to eat, "I found a girl."

Caspar does notice the way Joe's face falls briefly, but recovers quickly, and Caspar watches the fake smile take over Joe's face.

"Yeah? That's great Casp. What's her name?"

"Maria." Caspar says, blushing a little and staring slightly at the table, "She's beautiful, and sweet and lovely. You'd like her."

"I'm sure I would." Joe says, slightly stiffly, "Well, I'll wash up while you un-pack, yeah?" Joe takes he and Caspar's plate to the sink and steadies himself against the worktop, closing his eyes, taking a deep breath. He jumps as someone's hand is on his shoulder and he turns around to see Caspar, eyes frowning in concern.

"Are you okay?" Caspar asks apprehensively, his hand not on Joe's shoulder now, but warm on Joe's neck and jaw.

"Fine." Joe smiles again but it is feeble and small and only worries Caspar more.

"What's wrong, Joe. Maria isn't going to effect us in anyway, you know that? We can still, be like always, nothing will change us Joe. I promise." 

Joe thinks Caspar is going to kiss him, he moves in like he will, head tilting, their noses brushing and Joe is sure they were going to kiss. But then Caspar is hugging him instead, whispering impossible promises in Joe's ear. And Joe leans against him, eyes closed, his stomach a mix of butterflies and sparks and a strange anxiety that is suddenly unescapable. He sobs suddenly, tugging Caspar closer, fingers digging into his shirt which for sure has girls perfume on it. 

"Joe, Joe sshh, I'm here, okay?" Caspar rocks them both side to side, holds Joe until he falls silent, beside uneven breaths.

Joe pulls away, embarrassed, "I'm sorry. I just, got weird and panicky I didn't mean-" 

"It's fine, Joe." Caspar says, "I can wash up if you want, why don't you choose a film to watch or something?"

"But Caspar you-"

"You cooked Joe, washing up is the least I can do." Caspar insisted, and he's confused, as Joe leaves but he pushes it to the back of his mind, Joe gets anxious and panicky sometimes, and that's never anyone's fault and he knows that. Yet he cannot help but blame himself as he cleans the pans and plates. 

/

Moving out became inevitable, eventually- as did moving in in the first place. Joe needed the space, Caspar realised. He'd stopped sleeping in Caspar's bed, he'd been quieter, the past month. And maybe it had something to do with Caspar finding a new girlfriend.

He and Maria hadn't lasted long, what with her in Africa and Caspar in England and he'd been single for a while. But Alice- she's the one, definitely, as he'd told Joe.

And now Joe said he's moving out and no, it's not a prank, but they cannot live together forever, and of course it will change nothing between them but yes, sometimes Joe needs his own space to breathe, and no, Caspar, it has nothing to do with Alice.

And that is when Caspar becomes lonely because Joe never comes round to his apartment, even though it was not meant to change a thing and they promised that, and now Caspar has no one to hold at night and maybe Alice isn't the one.

And Caspar is sad, and lazy and quieter than usual, spending more and more time with Josh to fill the feeling of loneliness. Joe is sad too, and maybe at first his own space was nice but he is now lonely, in the quiet, without Caspar to talk to and laugh with and play fifa with.

And then eventually Caspar has a new girlfriend and when he finally sees Joe for a few collab videos he tells him the amazing news of Maddie and her eyes and her smile and her hobbies and dreams and how he can see the future in her eyes and this time she is definitely the one.

/

Knowing Caspar has a girlfriend always makes Joe hesitant, at hanging around with the blonde, for he is never sure if the way they act is okay, when one of them isn't single. Because whenever they finish filming videos, they end up curled up against one another, under blankets, while watching films or YouTube videos. And well, Joe isn't sure if friends really act like that, and if this new girl, Maddie, would like it or understand it.

Only this time round Caspar is unavoidable. In reality they're still a duo, when it comes to career, what with their movies and tour and their production team hugely popular with their viewers. So they have meeting after meeting together, and planning for future projects- that is what brings Caspar round this evening.

Joe is cooking. And Caspar is choosing the movie, and they chat while Joe cooks, discussing ideas and then moving to stupid things like 'oh have you seen this funny video online' and 'oh I saw a really good fan edit on twitter you should check it out' until they've finished the food, dishes neglected, unwashed, in the sink, and they're giggling against each other on the sofa.

"Woah look it's already dark." Joe says, running over to the door and opening it. The stars glisten and blink from their places in the sky, washing over London beautifully. Caspar is behind him, suddenly, as they step out onto Joe's fake grass, the tv playing to itself inside.

Caspar puts on some music, then turns on the fairy lights that daintily line Joe's little garden fence. Joe smiles and glances at him, looking at the way the stars brighten up the gleam in Caspar's eyes. 

"Robbie?" Joe says softly as Angels by Robbie Williams hums out of Caspar's phone.

Caspar shrugs, spins Joe around. Joe giggles against Caspar's chest, leaning against him. Their feet on the fake grass outside tickles, but that goes unnoticed as they look at each other, drowning in one another's presence. 

"I'm not dancing with you." Joe insists in a murmur, briefly closing his eyes. But then Caspar is tickling his sides, causing him to gasp and giggle, leaning away from Caspar until he's almost falling.

"Joe." Caspar pulls him back up, looks at him, grinning, holding his waist like a lover would.

Caspar, looking down at him under the starlight, takes Joe's breath away, and Joe closes his eyes, giving in and letting Caspar sway him side to side. He looks up at Caspar through soft eyes, and he looks beautiful. Joe wouldn't mind kissing him. 

As the chorus of the song begins, they're dancing, Joe laughing as Caspar takes his hands, moving them around, feet stumbling and scratching on the fake grass though neither of them are bothered

"Caspar!" Joe laughs slightly, tugging Caspar closer to him, his giggles drowned out by the music.

Joe let's Caspar hold him between his arms, lips against his forehead, breathing slowly. The song carries on playing, and they slow dance, in the dark, the stars shimmering, the city below still alive with light and movement. Joe's heart beat is suddenly heavy, as he looks up at Caspar, and if it were daylight, Caspar would know Joe is blushing.

"I'm sorry I look such a mess right now." Joe says shyly, suddenly feeling aware of his old ACDC t-shirt and worn ripped jeans as oppose to Caspar's clean white shirt and smart jeans.

Caspar closes his eyes for a moment, the words "shut up you look fucking perfect" meaning to be taken with the breeze, unheard over the sound of Robbie's singing. Only Joe hears them,

"I'm not perfect." He replies at once, not looking Caspar in the eyes. He can feel Caspar's breath though, feel his hands on his waist, feel Caspar's hair between his fingers, hell he can feel the way Caspar is looking at him.

And Caspar realises he's really, damn, stupid for never realising before that he and Joe are perfect. That their hands fit perfectly, that their personalities bounce back off one another, perfectly, that when Joe walks into a room, Caspar's mood is far brighter, and happier, and everything feels perfect when they are together- and nothing is ever per-fect, when he and Joe are separated.

"Yes. You are." Caspar replies, lips so close to Joe's and he has to kiss him now, right? He's moving closer to Joe now, lips itching, yearning for Joe's touch.

"Maddie." Joe mutters suddenly, lips touching Caspar's enough to make his entire body tingle. They're barely there, nevertheless, merely grazing Joe's lips, hovering, hesitating. But Caspar can't turn back now, not when Joe's eyes are closed expectantly like that, not when Joe's breath touches his lips like that.

Caspar kisses Joe. And his lips are soft and warm against his, and they move slowly, the instrumental of the song playing dramatically in the background, and they kiss while it plays, hands wandering, lips moving, kissing, occasional breaths escaping. And it is a wonder this has never happened before, a real kiss, after spending nights wrapped in each other's arms, countless days by one another's side, small pecks on the lips by accident, and only now are they really kissing, only now do they realise everything. That they are so, so perfect for one another. That Maddie had been a perfect, idealistic vision, an idealistic future- but Joe is here, between Caspar's arms, kissing him, and that is the only perfect Caspar needs.

Caspar pulls away eventually, reluctantly, kissing him once, twice, thrice, quickly before moving his lips away finally, the taste of Joe still buzzing on his mouth. As the final chorus of the song plays, they rest their foreheads together, panting a little, rubbing his nose against Joe's, smiling as Joe giggles softly.

"I think we've been in love all this time." Caspar says eventually, breathless from the kiss, as the song fades out, his eyes still closed, breath hitting Joe's face, their noses touching.

"I think so." Joe replies, a small, real, smile lifting onto his face.


End file.
